The Many Manifestations of Breathing

First hypnobirthing session today. This turned out not to be the hideous middle class smug married experience I had been expecting, for the simple reason that I was the only person on the course. So no cheating with the breathing exercises then and slacking off half way through to scratch the many inevitable itches that…

Musings on my Impending Poverty

What a lovely relaxing day this has been. In fact, what a lovely relaxing two weeks this has been.  It’s such a shame I have to go back to work on Monday and ruin it all. Still, nine weeks folks.  NINE WEEKS.  Well, nine working weeks left anyway.  Nine weeks until I plunge into poverty…

Bring Me The WIne

God I could murder some wine. What is a lovely two week break away from work without wine?  The most decadent treat I can now give myself is a decaf latte.  Literally cannot think about life stretching out into the future with no wine. Still, things could be worse.  According to the Internets, I am…

So this is what it feels like to be, in the words of the bloke from Fat Families, a “Massive Fatty”

Today’s most pressing questions: 1.) By having a baby with a sperm donor, am I inadvertently ruining the lives of the next generation, who will be destined to resent me and be forever miserable, and 2.) WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH WHEN I EAT???? With regard to the second one, I am currently lying…

How Not To Balls Up Your Baby’s Life Forever. Apparently.

Today is a momentous day. Yes, today a stranger offered me his seat on the tube. I am now officially a big fat pregnant woman, make no mistake.  And I am loving it.  The baby appears to enjoy putting his feet up by my belly button, so my new favourite game, as discovered last night,…

When does the nesting instinct kick in?

Yet again I am engaged in the deadly habit of procrastination.  Why is it that every time the holidays roll around I fool myself into thinking that if I do one productive thing per day-just one-then the entire day has been a success?  Today’s “productive task” consisted of emailing some photos that I had promised…

Revelation: Having a Hangover is Basically Just Being Really, Really Tired

So apparently I should be relaxing and not overdoing it now that I am pregnant. I also shouldn’t be crossing my legs, as one person usefully reminded me, as I may “crush the baby.” I now feel infinitely guilty about all the times I have crossed my legs. Also I must look massive, as at…

Almost 23 weeks and apparently still irresistible to malingerers outside Wembley Park tube

The hypnobirthing craze continues. I have just purchased a set of five hypnobirthing classes.  They are in Hounslow, which is not the best location, but pretty much all the classes I could find were based in the so-called “Nappy Valley” area of South West London which stretches roughly from Herne Hill to somewhere just short…

Hypnobirthing a Giant Baby

I have just officially become a New Age Hippy Earth Mother Type. Well, perhaps not quite. I bought two books on hypnobirthing today, then decided I was going to get properly into it and try all the suggested “exercises,” unlike with the normal self-help, self-improvement tomes which I just read, nod head occasionally whilst maintaining…

Gender Stereotyping for the Uninitiated: i.e. Babies

Oops.  Ordered a sandwich with goat’s cheese in it today only to remember that goat’s cheese is not allowed in pregnancy. Admitting to previous incidents of this nature has resulted in open-mouthed abject horror from other pregnant friends and/or mothers. I am already a terrible mother. To make up for it, I decided to buy…