So this is what it feels like to be, in the words of the bloke from Fat Families, a “Massive Fatty”

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Today’s most pressing questions:

1.) By having a baby with a sperm donor, am I inadvertently ruining the lives of the next generation, who will be destined to resent me and be forever miserable, and

2.) WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH WHEN I EAT????

With regard to the second one, I am currently lying prostrate on the sofa, unable to get into any position that could be remotely described as “comfortable,” purely due to my having just eaten dinner.  It literally feels like my stomach is squeezed up underneath my rib cage.  Probably because it is.  O the joys of pregnancy, wanting to eat everything in sight and then being unable to contain it all in my squashed stomach.  This must be what it feels like to have a gastric band.  I promise I will never berate fat people ever again.  Honest.

Also, being fat must be bloody hard work.  I have only put on a stone (so far), and already I find myself having to use the disabled entrance at the tube station, lest I give myself a coronary by heaving my bloated body up the steps; a feat that now requires at least twenty minutes of recovery time at the top, clinging breathlessly to the bannister and panting deeply whilst clutching my distended stomach.  And I’m still only 27 weeks!  What will become of me in ten weeks time when I’m still having to drag myself to work and do a job like a normal human being who’s not constantly carrying someone else?

Anyway, mustn’t complain.  After all, being pregnant is basically brilliant, especially the little kicks and movements I am subjected to daily by the Little One, causing me to while away endless hours feeling bits of my belly and speculating on whether I can feel tiny feet beneath the skin.

I will try not to depress myself by reading the many angry stories from children of sperm donors that can be found on the internet, bemoaning their lack of normal parentage and making me think that it’s only a matter of time before Little One rejects me entirely as the reprobate who denied him a father and messed up his entire life, and concentrate on the little tiny feet.

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