As I write this, I am sat in my brother’s old bedroom, which I now share with Piglet, in my mother’s house. My brother’s snowboard is still in the corner and there is a promotional flyer on the wall for a club in Ibiza which I suspect he has never been to. I am 35…

  1.) Because my mother is always three steps away from swooping in and rescuing the baby from my neglectful folly in trying to feed them a strawberry yo-yo for lunch. 2.) Because the words “shhh, we’re in John Lewis. People come here for a bit of civilisation and class,” mean nothing to a 14…

Today Piglet and I went to swimming class. I love swimming class.  I loved our old swimming class more, if truth be told, as even though the pool was a bit on the chilly side it was a two minute walk from my flat, and there weren’t three different swimming classes going on at the…

If I ever won an Oscar (which I will do, one day, even though I have shown zero interest in acting since the age of thirteen, when I was cast in a production of Oliver Twist and forced to sing a brief but excruciating solo, consisting purely of the words “ripe, strawberries ripe” and my…