Why we should never go to cafes

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1.) Because my mother is always three steps away from swooping in and rescuing the baby from my neglectful folly in trying to feed them a strawberry yo-yo for lunch.

2.) Because the words “shhh, we’re in John Lewis. People come here for a bit of civilisation and class,” mean nothing to a 14 month old.

3.) Because in particularly bijou establishments, the door has to be open for there to be any air at all, and closing it to prevent escape by a marauding toddler leads only to suffocation of the other patrons.

4.) Because Greek salad is apparently not an acceptable toddler dinner.

5.) Because the pushchair is blocking the exits and now we’re all trapped.

6.) Because a Cafe Nero cardboard cup holder is a very attractive snack to a baby.

7.) Because I was so busy supervising a child that I accidentally bought a chicken salad despite being vegetarian.

8.) Because five months is too young for a babychino. Even if it is free.

9.) Because high chairs stacked on top of each other are a serious health hazard for a single parent balancing a baby in one hand and a coffee in the other.

10.) Because newborns are not supposed to leave the house, apparently.

11.) Because spending ten minutes fiddling under a breastfeeding cover in Cafe Nero trying to get a newborn to latch is not conducive to the release of oxytocin and a comfortable and relaxing breastfeeding experience for either mother or baby.

12.) Because “we can’t crawl around in here Piglet. It’s not allowed. It’s a NO CRAWLING ZONE.”

13.) Because that guide dog is taking a well-deserved break and probably doesn’t want to be poked repeatedly by a small child.

14.) Nor does that adult.

15.) Because, having kindly provided toys for their younger guests, the cafe probably doesn’t want them being lobbed across the room at unsuspecting fellow patrons.

16.) Especially not when it’s Enid Blyton’s Book of Bible Stories. Enid would be having none of that, and neither, I suspect, would God.

17.) Because letting a toddler play with a metal spoon is a great idea.  Until they start using it to destroy the furniture in the loudest way imaginable.

18.) Because there is only a finite amount of excitement that can be generated by a Pret A Manger straw.

19.) Because hot drinks and small children don’t mix.

20.) Because the torrential downpour outside is far more interesting, according to Piglet, and I WILL run out into it.

And one reason why we should…..

21.) Piglet once dislodged a cushion in Starbucks, allowing Mummy to miraculously discover an abandoned sum of £40 stuffed down the side of a sofa.

We should always go to cafes.  That will happen again, right?

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49 Comments Add yours

  1. Love it! And which starbucks was this? All mine find in cafes is other people’s food, which my baby will eat. At least he’s eating right?! x

    1. Min says:

      Ha! Piglet ate an abandoned crisp off the floor of the changing rooms at swimming today *don’t tell my mother.*

  2. Pen says:

    £40 wow. I love babies. All disruption excused for £40 I say.

    1. Min says:

      Exactly! I found myself sneakily checking the area for cameras though, in case it was some sort of Beadle’s About-type situation.

  3. Harps says:

    Haha I can relate to this! Esp 19. It’s bloody hard work taking Arj anywhere! Thanks for linknig up to #BabyBrainMonday x

  4. John Adams says:

    Have u ever thought about taking your baby to the bank? #BabyBrainMonday

    1. Min says:

      No, but you are right-I definitely should!

  5. Haha- this is hilarious and so true. Mine is lightning quick at grabbing forbidden items too. But I do love cake and normally that’s what brought me there. My cake love might be greater than my low stress environment requirements.
    Thanks so much for linking up with #fartglitter x

    1. Min says:

      Ditto. Coffee and cake. They lure me in with their siren’s call, even though I know I will regret it. I seem to have this expectation that Piglet will fall dutifully asleep whenever we approach a cafe, when in fact the opposite is true.

  6. Mine have been pretty much brought up in cafes if the last 11 years of photos are anything to go by!

    #5 and #7. PML as the quaint English expression goes. I shall leave you with this: fast forward a bit when they’re both in school and you can Go. To. A. Cafe. Alone.

    Thanks for linking to #BabyBrainMonday

    1. Min says:

      I bet I’ll miss it when I can go to cafes on my own. Once, when Piglet was at a settling in session with the childminder, I went and sat in a cafe on my own, only to feel bereft that there were a bunch of mums with babies on my left and I couldn’t join in with them!

  7. £40?! I’m off to throw cushions off the furniture in Starbucks tomorrow! These made me smile – my eight month old is currently obsessed with straws. I thought one would see us through a trip to Nandos the other day but, alas, it became completely dull and useless as soon as the food arrived. They also love to nibble the corner of the menu don’t they?! #fartglitter

    1. Min says:

      YES, what it is it with menus? Thank you for commenting.

  8. I agree with all of these, experienced most and loving the £40 find!! Thanks for linking to #justanotherlinky xx

  9. Charlene says:

    Goodness number 14! My little one decides he’s a drummer as soon as he can get hold of a spoon. I have conducted a mammoth survey of the cafes in my area to find the ones with accessible toilets, buggy space, highchairs not covered in grime, enough noise to mask baby cries and last but certainly not least good coffee. I didn’t find one but I had fun trying.

    1. Min says:

      So many times I have given Piglet a spoon to hold on the assumption that it will keep him quiet, only for him to bash the tables with it so hard I fear he’s going to crack the table!

  10. Kayla says:

    I feel your frustration! Little ones don’t quite understand how cafes work, huh? 🙂

    1. Min says:

      They don’t. They’re like baby dormitories, right? Where they’re supposed to fall asleep while the mums grab a coffee in peace?

  11. Haha nice! Clever Piglet!! Why does Dexter not do that?

    1. Min says:

      Sadly it seems to have been a one-off, but I live in hope. Thanks for commenting.

  12. Beth says:

    I totally understand! Especially how the pram blocks the exit! So annoying isn’t it.
    Thank you for linking up with #justanotherlinky

  13. haha I remember those days! The mess, the noise, the breastfeeding scuffling. Ah with an almost 26 month old it does get better!! Brilliant on the 40 squid find. Bonus! Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst and see you soon xx

  14. I took our first to a gorgeous cafe around the corner when she was around 9 months. Never attempted it again since… Cafes Areno fun for babies or mums with babies! Definitely a gap in the market there don’t you think?! Dragons den? X MMT #effitfriday

    1. Min says:

      I have actually been to an establishment that markets itself as a “baby cafe.” Despite the fact that it did have a ball pool, I would still be inclined to argue that the juxtaposition of “baby’ and “cafe” was a mix that should never have been attempted. Think infants crawling under tables, buggies clogging up every aisle, and rogue balls from the ball pool roaming the surrounding streets like some sort of dystopian post-apocalyptic world in which humans have been replaced by small plastic balls, and you would have roughly the right idea.

      1. Sounds ace, how do I reserve a table at such a fine establishment? NOT. I’ll stick to the gorgeously shabby chic tea room (where other mums go with their perfectly behaved kids), and get a babysitter 🙂
        ps popping back from #coolmumclub

        1. Min says:

          I actually went to the cafe on my own today, and marvelled at how quiet it was without Piglet bashing the table with a metal spoon and flinging toys around. Bliss!

  15. Haha great list and so very true. Made me laugh out loud and made my crap day a whole lot better X

  16. Jessseeker says:

    Ha ha! You had me at “neglectful folly in trying to feed them a strawberry yo-yo”. Great post! And so, so true!

    #thelist

  17. Love it! Wish my little one was good at finding money… she’s just good at convincing me to spend it 😉 #coolmumclub

    1. Min says:

      Ha! Thanks for commenting.

  18. Amazing! £40 kerching! We have this issue and I’m sorry to tell you the older they get it gets WORSE before it gets better. Our latest game is playing hide and seek. Still at least he gets a babychino that sits him down for a whole 40 seconds……thanks for linking with #effitfriday

    1. Min says:

      Haha, sounds like I have a lot to look forward to!

  19. Love it! I always think a trip to a cafe for a cuppa and a cake sounds like a really great idea in theory and then when we actually do it, I remember why it’s not so good in practice – for many of the reasons that you’ve listed. I quite like the thought of potentially finding £40 stuffed down the side of the seat in Starbucks though! #coolmumclub

    1. Min says:

      It’s always better in theory. I think “that’ll be a good idea. Piglet will LOVE visiting a cafe. It will be so lovely for him to watch his mother enjoying a coffee and a slice of cake while he has to make do with a rice cake or a banana and is stuck in a high chair unable to move,” and then he unsurprisingly starts wailing, running around and trying to destroy everything in sight, and I remember why it’s not a good idea…

  20. Oh! That’s a win-win there! £40! Awesome! You should take Piglet out to cafe more often! haha It is so true about “Cafe Nero cardboard cup holder is a very attractive snack to a baby.” They just can’t help it. & Wow! Free babychino! That’s another win-win. Thanks for linking up with me again. It is so lovely having you on #FabFridayPost 🙂 x

    1. Min says:

      Free babychinos will definitely come into their own when he’s a bit older I think. At the moment I feel like an overprotective middle class mother turning down all the babychinos with a “no I’m sorry, Piglet doesn’t drink cow’s milk. Or eat biscuits!”

  21. p.s. Piglet is so cute playing with food! 🙂 x

  22. Mumma McD says:

    Ah yes, we should never go to cafes either. But mumma needs COFFEE!!!
    #coolmumclub

    1. Min says:

      Ditto! I think I’m going to need an intervention for my addiction.

  23. Rebecca says:

    Brilliant! My little one is 8 months old and is loving cafes at the moment, he’s so nosy and likes to look at everybody and grin and giggle! I anticipate it getting a little more difficult as he gets older though! #brilliantblogposts

  24. Haha!! Great post! I gave up on taking mine to coffee shops for a while, for ALL of those reasons! But now they’re older and a bit more bribable, I’ve just started venturing to them again! I find that ‘if you sit there quietly/don’t set the place on fire/show me up to look like I’ve given birth to two wild animals, yes you can have that hyper inducing chocolate cake that organic sugar haters will judge me for’ usually buys me just enough time for a small peaceful coffee!
    #coolmumsclub

    1. Min says:

      I have a feeling that’s going to be me soon (with the chocolate cake). At the moment Piglet is happy to munch on a banana so I’m milking this stage for all it’s worth!

  25. Alison says:

    £40? Jammy!

    I can totally sympathise with this post, having spent an awful lot of time (and money) with my littlies over the past few years, imbibing enough caffiene to kill an elephant. Pro tip: drinking two large filter coffees from Starbucks one after the other is a very, very bad idea.

    You know it’s a bad time to take the kids to the cafe when they’re both playing up, you’re desperate for a coffee, a sit-down and relax, so you go to pick up a toy for them to play with, and they tip half a cup of pineapple juice into your almost full cup of coffee. I don’t know if you’ve ever had coffee with pineapple juice in, but it is quite possibly the most disgusting taste in the world. I could only manage half the cup (see, that’s how desperate for coffee I was ;))

    Oh, and that little onsie? Adorable!

    1. Min says:

      Thanks! No, so far I haven’t had the pleasure of coffee and pineapple juice. I’m sure it is just one of the many joys to come!

  26. Emma says:

    I laughed out loud at number 5!

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