It was just a joke, you know. Just a little joke on Twitter. You ladies, you just can’t take the bantz. All I said was “Dads are better than mums and anyone who says they’re not is a man-hating harpy.” God, anyone would think I’d walked into a W.I. meeting, shouted “Periods don’t hurt AT ALL, EVER!” and then stuck my penis in the prize winning jam (see what I did there? Jam? Haha, Archbishop of Banterbury at your service).
Come (I said “come,” haha! I’m just a laugh a minute, me. #allaboutthebantz) to think about it, maybe that’s what I’ll do next time.
Anyway, everyone knows us men are in the minority now. You heard it here first girls. I haven’t done the precise mathematics on this (you have to have complete trust in your sources, and I heard this from my mate Dave, and I trust him completely, so it must be true) but as anyone who was at Britmums this year will testify, women outnumber men these days by a ratio of approximately 100:1. Speaking of Britmums, you only have to read the name to realise that us men are now the poor, put-upon sex, BritMUMS. All the global corporations are discriminating against us men nowadays. You’re either a mum or-if you shop in John Lewis-you’re a gender neutral hermaphrodite. It’s just the way of the world. And don’t even get me started on MUMSnet. Bunch of rabid menstruating medusas, desperate to drive the male species to extinction. The absolute drubbing us poor dads came in for at Blogfest last year-all three of us!-I haven’t forgotten that comment on the panel about men shirking their duties of emotional labour. I even said to my wife, “This isn’t about me, is it? I got so emotional when you were in labour I spent the whole three sodding days crying into the gas and air about missing the World Cup!” It was tragic, I can tell you, but at least my little Johnny is worth it, even though society has basically shunned him already for not wearing a dress to nursery like all the other boys.
In fact, us dads are so outnumbered in the blogging world I sometimes wonder why we blog at all, but then somebody has to be the lone voice amid a sea of women standing up for dadkind. Not everyone wants to read about you women and your traumatic labours, you know. You may have torn your vagina from front to back and were unable to sit down for seven weeks but I missed FIFTY-FIVE MINUTES of England vs. Switzerland!
Also, as I said to the wife, us dads get a bad press generally. Look at Daddy Pig, relegated to the role of bumbling village idiot next to Mummy Pig, Miss Rabbit and their capable, having it all mum-friends. The other day Miss Rabbit was even driving a helicopter! Ridiculous! Everyone knows that RABBITS CAN’T DRIVE HELICOPTERS!
What we need is a return to real family values, with the dads firmly in control, dispensing their wisdom in a gentlemanly manner, like on The Cosby Show. That Bill Cosby, he was my kind of guy. They don’t make them like him anymore. #Familyvalues
So next time I make a teeny weeny joke on Twitter about your periods, mum-superiority complex or fatal disease, don’t take it personally. It’s just a bit of #bantz, innit? Just let us dads say our bit, after all, there are still only three of us, and someone has to fight the good fight. #dadsarepeopletooyouknow #whataboutus