You all know me. It’s Me, the Blogging Guru. I had a terrible time after my first child was born. It was hard getting to grips with just being Mum as opposed to an Academy Award-nominated actress (Best Make Up, 1998), and I was struggling to cope.
So I started blogging. Let’s face it, life as a stay at home mum can be dull. You never get to drink a hot cup of tea despite sitting at home ALL DAY, and I don’t know how many episodes of This Morning I watched. By the time my husband came home, I was a wild-eyed wreck.
“I WILL BE ON THAT THIS MORNING, YOU KNOW!” I would holler. “YOU JUST WATCH ME. I’LL BE ON THE SOFA TALKING TO RUTH AND EAMONN ABOUT HOW CRAP IT IS BEING ON MATERNITY LEAVE!”
And I was right, you know. Once I set my mind to something, I make sure I do it, and How Crap Maternity Leave Is became my Thing.
I had been planning to write a book. I always say everyone needs a maternity leave, but then mine happened and after the traumatic birth I’d had I couldn’t physically lift a book, so instead I got on the computer. I had heard about blogging from a friend of mine who had a MySpace page back in 2006, and I thought well, how hard can it be? I mean, I have an internet connection. Superfast Virgin Media fibre optic, I’ll have you know. Hubby wanted to be able to stream football live from the Premier League and not pay for the extra channels.
Anyway, needless to say now I make my living from blogging. Not just brand work (although I have plenty of tips for working with brands embedded in my blogging course, “How To Earn A Living From Flogging Other People’s Unnecessary Baby Products,” which can be yours for only £75) but helping other people.
I’ve always loved reaching out and helping others. My husband always says that if we were on the Titanic, I would go down with the ship, helping others into the lifeboat, or playing tambourine in the band that played on as they sank, or standing valiantly on the bridge with Captain Smith, looking heroic. But I always like to add that I would be dispensing blogging tips as I did so. Or at least, I would have, if they had the internet back in 1912.
“Think about what a great story this would make! There’s triumph in adversity! Think positive and chase your dreams!”
All those positive affirmations would come in handy at midnight in the North Atlantic, with the Carpathian still two hundred miles away, I can tell you.
Because if you dream big, you can achieve big. That’s what I always tell myself, and it’s what I tell my subscribers too, if you join my blogging course, “How to go from Zero to Hero of the Blogging World with Just a Few Surplus Apostrophe’s.”
Or, if that one’s not for you, how about “How To Blog Like a Pro, in Seventy-Six Easy Steps”? I know that sounds like a lot of steps, but at least 35 of them can be contracted out to a Virtual Assistant in the Philippines for just 75p per day, plus £65 to cover the cost of my course, with an extra £200 for a personal and exclusive Skype call with me, to learn the secret of how I managed to go from full time Academy Award-winning actress (Best Make Up, 1998) to full time Blogger and Vlogger, working flexibly from home, to fit around my children’s weekend tennis lessons and weekday boarding school, with an income which I won’t divulge, but that it’s safe to say far surpasses yours, in just under six weeks.
I know, six weeks! Can you believe it? I started writing my posts on maternity leave, and before I knew it I never needed to go back to work, having been picked up by Mumsnet (Blog of the Day, “Why My Life is Crap and I Hate Motherhood,” May 2013) and been invited to appear on a special edition of Loose Women entitled “The Mummy Bloggers Taking Over The World,” along with Zoella and Beyoncé.
And now I will give you The Secret, but make sure you subscribe to my blogging course. The Secret can be yours for just £300 for the whole package, including Skype call, blogging course and full range of Blogging Guru merchandise including a Blogging Guru T-shirt, ipad case and mug.
Not that you are one of the latter, of course.