I thought I had seen it all.
I thought I had endured the worst that the dating world had to offer. I’d been on every dating website going. I speed dated, I met people through MySpace (remember MySpace!). Hell, I even went to one of those hideous “lock and key” parties that were all the rage in 2006. As I’m sure that one day someone from a distant civilisation many thousands of years hence will be looking at this blog (hello internet. Are you still there?) wondering what a “lock and key” party actually was, I should probably make it clear for the historical record that this was not the sort of thing that one might find going on in the suburban enclaves of South London in the 1970s, with fondue in one bowl and car keys in another. It was a singles night of the classical sort that could have come straight from the pre-Internet days when the height of technology-assisted matchmaking could be summarised in an ad for Dateline on the inside cover of the Sunday Times magazine. The classic singles night, with a twist. The twist being a gimmicky rebrand where all the women had to carry around miniature padlocks of the type one might use to secure a suitcase, and all the men had miniature keys, and you had to find your “perfect fit” (I know. I KNOW *sticks fingers down throat and pretends to vomit*).
I thought I had resigned from the dating world years ago. I thought I’d handed in my notice, collected my things and flounced out for the very last time, never to return.
And then I joined Instagram.
Now it might be because my social media accounts contain the dangerously triggering code word “single,” as though that was something that defined my status not as someone who is merely not married, but who must ergo, be desperate. Desperate enough to accept the many tempting offers of “chat” from random men from every corner of the world who send me witty and engaging messages such as “Hi,” “Hello” and *heart shape emoji.*
Men of Instagram, hear this.
I did not join Instagram as a method of meeting men, which is just as well because as a method of meeting men, it sucks. If the best you can come up with is to trawl through my feed looking for the two photos I have which actually show my face, rather than the six thousand which are pictures of my son, a frothy latte or some trees, and then send me a one-word message inviting me to speak to you, then you are desperate indeed. Far more desperate, even, than me, and I went to a Match.com lock and key party.
Perhaps I am being unfair, harsh even. Maybe these men are simply ahead of the curve. Maybe Instagram is the new Match.com, and “hello” is the new chat up line du jour. Gone are the days when you could idle up to somebody at a lock and key party and make some hideous double entendre about keys and locks and tick the online boxes when you wanted to see someone again. Maybe the Insta-world is full of young(ish) men eager to impress and maybe even settle down with someone with a GSOH. Maybe I’m missing out on being the next Insta-sensation in the world of dating; the woman who wrote a blog about being a single mother by choice, and ended up with eligible bachelors hammering on the proverbial door in droves, desperate to cling to the coat-tails of my Insta-fame by announcing themselves as my suitors and knights in shining armour, here to rescue me from the ravages of single motherhood.
So my message to you, O men of Instagram, is this. If your opening gambit is “hello,’ “nice” or a heart shaped emoji, please do not spam me with your desperation. If, however, you are looking for a jaded singleton weary from decades of online dating, have all your own teeth and a GSOH, feel free to contact me. For the love of God just do it through the accepted channels, and not a social media account where I share pictures of my child, my coffee and the local trees. Dear Men of Instagram, NO.
16 Comments Add yours
I thought I seen and heard all but the other day I received a message on Snapchat asking if I want to “f” word. Really? On snapchat? I thought that was a private account and nobody can send anything unless you approve. As well as instagram.
Eww the internet is a terrible place sometimes! I’ve not joined Snapchat yet-always slightly behind the curve, me. That puts me off doing so!
Wow just wow! I’m shocked but guess I shouldn’t be! Just eugh to the trying it on amongst photos of your children and coffees – wrong on so many levels. You need to update your bio to capture the essence of this – a bit like the ‘no wraps!’ ‘No instamen’ !
Instamen haha! I know-I guess if my Instagram was full of pictures of me posing for selfies it would be slightly more understandable, if still a bit eww, but seriously only about 3 pictures out of my entire feed even have me in them-and two of those also feature Piglet!
Yeah I’m a single parent too and get exactly the same thing happen on Insta and twitter actually, it’s really strange, i just ignore them now, as I agree with you, these men must send out 50 fishing “hello” messages in the hope of getting a little nibble, not flattering at all!
I know-it’s ridiculous. I ignore and block.
Fantastic. The internet does indeed harbour some weirdos, chancers, propel with more front than Mount Rushmore, and people just seem plain suspect. I reckon your right though. The “single” in your name may be drawing the wrong attention lol.
I’m afraid that may be the case. I would hope that most chancers are put off my extensive roll call of pictures of coffee, trees and my child though!
LMAO…well hello there ?for the record..I sold my armor for scrap…and my white horse died…you, my dear, are on own????…if possible I’ll slip the kiddos a midnight snack of soda and chocolate…you know, for a good show…not that I’m evil or anything
Awesome post!! Lol ???
I’m sat waiting for kid 2 and am loving reading your blog!
Thank you! What a lovely comment to read. And good luck with Baby no. 2!
Lol sorry waiting for child to come out of a party! He’s a teenager!xx
Oops, sorry! Well that’s preferable to giving birth!
I’m not so sure!!
Haha, this is so funny/ sad! And as for the lock & key party? Funnier still! I do hope that Instagram doesn’t turn into a dating site, I’d never stop laughing.
Thank you! Yes the lock and key party was a bit of a mistake I fear. Still getting the “hello” messages and blocking them all immediately!