5. Fire engines.
There was this one time that Mummy took me into a charity shop. I think she was hoping that she would find vintage clothes in there. Mummy likes vintage clothes, even though they are old and smelly. Personally I prefer not to wear clothes at all, but for some reason Mummy seems to like them. Anyway, she’s always looking at clothes. Not just old, smelly ones, but piles and piles of jeans that all look the same, and really long dresses that are never going to fit her and probably belong to giant.
We went into this shop and I SAW IT I SAW IT I SAW IT. It was a mighty fire engine, the like of which I had never seen. It was like my other fire engine, but ABOUT A HUNDRED MILLION TIMES BIGGER. I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT. No Mummy, don’t make me leave this shop! Suddenly, we were outside, and Mummy was asking if I was all right, and I was like, “WANT FIRE ENGINE,” but in baby language and silly Mummy couldn’t understand. WHY DO THESE PARENTS NEVER LISTEN?
I pointed with my best pointy finger, and I pointed and pointed and cried and cried, and Mummy took me back in, and FINALLY she saw it. She really is blind as bat. How could she not see fire engine, in all its fiery magnificence, when everything else in shop is just boring old clothes?
Mummy bought fire engine for me, and I carried it all the way home on my lap, although mean Mummy wouldn’t let me throw it in the road. She said cars hit it or something, and fire engine break and no have fire engine anymore, so she put it under the pushchair and I couldn’t reach it. Mummy bad.
4. Police cars
I have this one that sings. Mummy thinks it sounds a bit like Neil Morrissey singing Bob The Builder in a highly irritating way over and over again until you actually die from being really, really annoyed, and she thinks it’s a bit disturbing that he says he’s going to catch the burglars before they commit a crime, because apparently that’s illegal or something? I don’t know. I’m not a burglar although I might steal Mummy’s phone and hide it in my secret lair under the sofa if she doesn’t stop playing with it and shining that light about because I WANT IT I WANT IT. But the police car, “the police car is moving along. Catch the burglars to stop their cri-ime. Yeah!”
Thomas has lots of Friends who Mummy doesn’t like because none of them are girls. Well, a few of them are but most are boys and apparently that’s sexist? I don’t know. Anyway, Mummy says the Isle of Sodor, where Thomas lives, is like a fascist dictatorship ruled by a Fat Controller with two henchmen. I’m not sure what that is, but I like Thomas. He has happy face. There are some books with him in so I think he’s sort of famous or something. And he has a Friend called Gordon who’s a bit grumpy, but my favourite one is the bus I saw parked in the background of one of the pages in Thomas book. I told Mummy over and over again that I WANTED IT and I pointed and pointed, but silly Mummy doesn’t understand my language and I think she thought I was weird, and thought about calling a doctor, but actually I just thought it looked a bit like the one we were on the other day which is called the number something or other, and has seats that you can stand on. I looked out of the window and I saw some other ones go past too, and I shouted at them. Mummy didn’t understand.
I told Mummy I liked Thomas more, but she says who’s Thomas More and isn’t that someone from the sixteenth century who got burnt at the stake or something, and I’m like, what? Mummy likes Chuggington because he’s off the TV and she likes the TV. She’s always watching and singing The Time Has Come to Say Goodnight, even though it isn’t because I’m not going to bed for another two hours AT LEAST. Anyway, Chuggington is from this programme with a mayor who’s female and black, both of which Mummy approves of, unlike Thomas with his Fat Controller. I have no idea what she’s talking about. Chuggington is not black, he’s blue I think? Piglet not good with colours. So is Thomas so I don’t know what the difference is, but Mummy wants to put him second and not third, so I throw Chuggington behind the sofa and then she won’t know that I like Thomas more.
1.) Tractor book
This is my favourite today. Mummy says I can have this one first because is book and Mummy approves of books. Books are like TV I think, except they don’t sing, except one I got for Christmas which does cheer every time you poo in the potty. I get cheer when I point to my head as Mummy seems to think I am silly who doesn’t know where own head is, and acts all surprised when I correctly identify head. I don’t poo in the potty because what’s the point when you have book with boy who does and you can listen to his cheer? Anyway, potty book is OK but not as good as tractor book, because TRACTORS. Mummy says tractor book is from the library, so no throw it in the bath. Bad times.
So now you know, these are my favourite toys. Tomorrow maybe I change head. Depends if Mummy takes me to the charity shop and I see BIG BIG TRACTOR.