When they were both wee nippers, one of my brothers hit the other one around the head with a toy milk float.
It was probably the most dangerous use of a milk float until that episode of Father Ted where the evil milkman places a bomb on his milk float and Dougal gets stuck driving it.
Luckily, the damage was minimal, and since then the design of children’s toys has improved and been made safer. For example, toys are now generally not made of steel, with sharp edges. Indeed, Piglet’s toys are now mostly bright plastic, huge (so they cannot be swallowed) and with no little fiddly bits. That is, except for the ones he has inherited from generations past. Ones like the toy Volkswagen Beetle which he was bequeathed by my brother (the aggressor in the Act of Violence Perpetuated by Milk Float). Well, I say “bequeathed” as though he was given it, wrapped up in tissue paper and hidden at the bottom of a drawer like a family heirloom. Actually Piglet found it lying on a high shelf in the living room. And by found it I mean that one day, when he was walking past in Granny’s arms, he spotted it, pointed at it and then shouted until lo, it was presented unto him.
I’m not sure what the obsession is with this toy, but it certainly seems to hold a hypnotic sway over Piglet and, apparently, its owner, Uncle Milk Float Attacker, as every time Piglet plays with it Granny reminds him not to “break it, as it’s your uncle’s and he’ll be very upset!”
Uncle Milk Float is 30. I’m not sure he has much use for a toy Volkswagen Beetle. Also, as it is made of metal, it is more likely to break Piglet than be broken by him *MORE ON THIS LATER.*
On an entirely different note, Piglet loves his Mummy. Arguably, he loves his Mummy even more than he loves the Volkswagen Beetle, as he often cries when I leave the room. Although to be fair he also cries when a bit of old tissue is taken away from him so that doesn’t necessarily prove much. Yesterday, when Uncle Milk Float Attack Victim (as opposed to Attacker) came to live with us (he’s fully recovered now), Piglet spent about two hours crying and gripping on to Mummy’s hair at the fearful sight of there being a man in the house.
Piglet also likes to show affection by launching himself at my head, opening his mouth (“ooh Piglet! Are you giving Mummy a lovely kiss?”) and then clamping his little jaws shut over whichever part of my face is nearest (“PIGLET! YOU JUST BIT MUMMY’S NOSE OFF!”)
At least, I think this is a show of affection. Either that or he actually hates me, the Horrible Mummy who denied him a father, spends far too much time on Twitter and won’t let him play with the oven when it’s on.
Today, for example, I ignored Granny’s cries of “careful mind! He’s got that Beetle!” (he wouldn’t hit his Mummy, would he? He loves his Mummy), lay on the floor and waited for my delightful baby to shower me with kisses.
And, in a chilling echo of the violent incident with the milk float, he hit me in the face with the Volkswagen Beetle.
So what does the future hold for little Piglet? Is this a foretaste of things to come? Will he be excluded from nursery for hitting another child with Thomas the Tank Engine or one of his Friends? Will he end up in juvenile court for hitting someone with a REAL car? Will he wind up in prison, serving a life sentence for……
I mean, they say you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his mother, right?