AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

This pretty much sums up how I felt when I saw how much (read: *little*) I am going to get in maternity pay.  Seriously, it’s so bad I almost considered having Little One adopted.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

I am literally terrified.  Why am I not married?  WHY WHY WHY?

OK, need to calm down now.  Things could be worse.  I could have terminal cancer, for example.  Or I could be one of the kidnapped schoolgirls in Nigeria.  Or I could be Madeleine McCann.  This really isn’t all that bad in the great scheme of things.  I haven’t been kidnapped by Boko Haram, or burnt at the stake as a witch in medieval times.  I don’t work as a prostitute in Whitechapel in 1888 and consequently Jack the Ripper poses no risk to me at all.

I might need to start working as a prostitute though if things get really rough.

It’ll be OK.  It’ll be like Pretty Woman and I can prance about in thigh-length boots and court gentlemen who are extremely wealthy and not at all seedy.

Everything is going to be OK.  I just need to breathe.  I’ll just master the art of self hypnosis and mindful breathing and everything will be fine.

Went to my first NCT antenatal class last night.  Hilarious.  Some of the men were asking very silly questions about birth.  Men are silly.  I don’t need a husband.  No, not at all.  I, on the other hand, was a total swot, showing off my knowledge about all things birth related to the assembled clueless marrieds.  I’ve read a few books on this subject you know, I’m practically a midwife.  Anyway, all was good until the end, when we had to work in pairs with our husbands (HA!) and do some dancing.  It was at that point that I could tell the woman running the course felt sorry for me as though I was some sort of Abandoned Wife.  It could have been worse to be fair, as when she first said we needed to work in pairs with the partners I thought for one horrifying moment that there was going to be a discussion of perineal massage.  PERINEAL MASSAGE, ladies and gentlemen.  It’s ACTUALLY A THING!  The hypnobirthing book has an entire chapter devoted to perineal massage, that’s how much of a thing it is.

Anyway, I’m going to get into the bath now and try some breathing techniques to calm myself down.  Hell, I might even engage in a spot of perineal massage while I’m at it.  It’s supposed to reduce the likelihood of tearing.  Lovely.