There are certain conversations that just don’t go down well in a public forum. Naturally, once one has children any embarrassment about, for example, shouting “POO!” randomly at frequent intervals seems to dissipate. Not so, however, with certain other conversations, such as the one I found myself having at swimming today. “Daddy, daddy, daddy!” my son is…
Category: sperm donor
When Your Child Has Dozens of Siblings
I once heard that there was once a woman, long ago, who became known as the primordial Eve. Not by her own people, presumably, as they cannot have known what her descendants would become, but by modern scientists; geneticists who spend their lives in laboratories, examining the immense data of the human genome. We are…
What’s it like to be a Single Mother by Choice?
The simple answer is, not much different to being any other mother. We all spam our Facebook feed with pictures of adorable newborns, food-covered weaning babies and exuberant toddlers. We all tell tales of sleepless nights and bodies that are never the same again. We all scan the parks and baby groups for the sight…
Thank God, they put the right one in
Most people’s birth stories seem to fall into one of the following categories: 1.) URRGGHH that was HORRIBLE. 2.) UURRGGHH that was HORRIBLE. There was blood everywhere. And stitches.* And it REALLY HURT. 3.) It was amazing. I was in a birthing pool. I had the intervention-free, drugless labour I always wanted. There was whalesong….
Many Babies Look Like Piglet: Is This More Than Just Coincidence?
NEWSFLASH! NEWSFLASH! Piglet has twenty-one brothers and sisters. Or something like that. Obvs. this is not my doing. I barely have Piglet, let alone twenty-one other hidden children squirrelled away somewhere. The reason I know this is because I registered Piglet’s birth with the sperm bank, and although they have so far not managed to…
So this is what it feels like to be, in the words of the bloke from Fat Families, a “Massive Fatty”
Today’s most pressing questions: 1.) By having a baby with a sperm donor, am I inadvertently ruining the lives of the next generation, who will be destined to resent me and be forever miserable, and 2.) WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH WHEN I EAT???? With regard to the second one, I am currently lying…
‘Twas the night before the scan and all through the house…..I am stressing out, googling like a hyperactive louse
First scan tomorrow and I am feeling completely calm and zen-like about this. In other words I have spent the entire day sat in my flat googling the following search terms:Period pains 12 weeks pregnant (need to know if this is normal)12 weeks 6 days pregnant stomach flat (and is this normal?)Chances of missed miscarriage…
Why can’t it just all be easy, like in the Bible?
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH I am sat on my bed with a copy of The Baby-Making Bible next to me. It all seems a lot more complicated than it is in the real Bible, where men just have to “know” their wives, and “go into” them. Although I suppose that Abraham and Sarah had difficulty conceiving, and had…
Introducing the world’s first Gu Chocolate Pot Baby
Well, the insemination process is complete. And if I get pregnant, I will be writing to the Daily Mail and proclaiming it a “miracle baby.” I’m sure the Daily Mail has lots to say about people importing sperm from abroad off the internet and using it to self-impregnate. Hell, they could even illustrate their disgust…
Existential Crisis
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. Having a proper crisis over the whole situation. That yellow nitrogen tank is eyeballing me from the hallway and I am absolutely terrified. What if it works? What if the baby hates me?What if it buggers off to Denmark to look for its father?What if its father is awful?What…