New Sport of Ostentatious Breastfeeding Makes Wembley Debut

And so for a bit of ostentatious breastfeeding. Well not at the moment.  At the moment I am watching X Factor on mute so as not to wake Piglet from his slumbers.  Michael Buble is either singing or talking to someone who may or may not be Nelly Furtado.  Without the benefit of sound, they both…

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DOES THIS CHILD HAVE A PARENT?

It is 9pm and Piglet is asleep in his bouncy chair. I am pretty sure that this is VERY BAD, as apparently babies are not supposed to sleep in their bouncy chairs.  Especially without the little seat belt attached to strap them in; the little seatbelt that Piglet has recently discovered and now regularly tries…

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And the winner of the Best Dressed Baby Award is….

It sounds like something out of the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party circa 1993, but it’s official, I have the best dressed baby in Wembley.  Winner of the Elle Style Awards, Special Commendation from Anna Wintour, Vogue Baby of the Year.  Move over Blue Ivy, Prince George and North West.  Yes, the play worker at…

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Expressing Milk Attempt no. 1: Abject Failure

11pm and Piglet is lying in his co-sleeper, shouting.  God knows what the neighbours must think.  Frankly I’m amazed I haven’t had a note through the door telling me to keep the noise down, and while we’re at it, social services have been called.  In fact, everybody in my building must see a good deal…

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Motherhood, Christmas Cards and Tin Openers

Today I bought a new tin opener. For some unknown reason, neither of the two adults I spoke to today (my mother and brother.  I’m not including the man in the shop where I bought the tin opener, since the conversation consisted of “that will be six pounds please” and that was it.  I KNOW,…

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Life: Entirely Governed by Piglet’s Naps or Lack Thereof

Piglet is currently forgoing his afternoon nap in favour of lying in the baby gym chewing his favourite hanging plastic ring.  He is concentrating very hard. OK he just started screaming for no apparent reason.  Just removed him from the baby gym and sat him in his bouncy chair, where he is violently shaking a…

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My Thoughts on Baby Fashion, and Other Matters

Love maternity leave.  So far today I have been mostly doing online quizzes (“which wife of Henry VIII are you?” I got Katherine Howard.  I always get her, which I presume means I am dead and wandering around Hampton Court Palace at night, sans head). I also invented a drinking game to be played whilst…

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Surrendered Mother

Piglet is sleeping blissfully in his bouncy chair following his 16 week jabs. Blissful sleeps seem to be increasingly rare these days.  Most sleeps are preceded by hours of fretfulness where he screams for ages until Mummy finds the exact position which he has chosen to fall asleep in that day, and he finally conks…

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Positive Sleep Associations

This is my latest scintillating read. The wrinkled sheet underneath (yes that is on my bed) is basically a metaphor for Piglet’s current sleeping patterns.  Well, who irons a sheet anyway?  I mean, who even owns an iron? As I write, Piglet is sleeping soundly at my feet in his bouncy chair.  To look at…

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The Maternal Guilt Starts Here

Well actually it started three months ago, when the wee one was born.  And there is never a moment when you are truly safe.  There’s always something waiting round the corner that could be going wrong.  A case in point being the one illustrated below. On Friday I was happily bleating down the phone to…

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