So this is what it feels like to be, in the words of the bloke from Fat Families, a “Massive Fatty”

Today’s most pressing questions: 1.) By having a baby with a sperm donor, am I inadvertently ruining the lives of the next generation, who will be destined to resent me and be forever miserable, and 2.) WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH WHEN I EAT???? With regard to the second one, I am currently lying…

How Not To Balls Up Your Baby’s Life Forever. Apparently.

Today is a momentous day. Yes, today a stranger offered me his seat on the tube. I am now officially a big fat pregnant woman, make no mistake.  And I am loving it.  The baby appears to enjoy putting his feet up by my belly button, so my new favourite game, as discovered last night,…

When does the nesting instinct kick in?

Yet again I am engaged in the deadly habit of procrastination.  Why is it that every time the holidays roll around I fool myself into thinking that if I do one productive thing per day-just one-then the entire day has been a success?  Today’s “productive task” consisted of emailing some photos that I had promised…

Revelation: Having a Hangover is Basically Just Being Really, Really Tired

So apparently I should be relaxing and not overdoing it now that I am pregnant. I also shouldn’t be crossing my legs, as one person usefully reminded me, as I may “crush the baby.” I now feel infinitely guilty about all the times I have crossed my legs. Also I must look massive, as at…

Almost 23 weeks and apparently still irresistible to malingerers outside Wembley Park tube

The hypnobirthing craze continues. I have just purchased a set of five hypnobirthing classes.  They are in Hounslow, which is not the best location, but pretty much all the classes I could find were based in the so-called “Nappy Valley” area of South West London which stretches roughly from Herne Hill to somewhere just short…

Hypnobirthing a Giant Baby

I have just officially become a New Age Hippy Earth Mother Type. Well, perhaps not quite. I bought two books on hypnobirthing today, then decided I was going to get properly into it and try all the suggested “exercises,” unlike with the normal self-help, self-improvement tomes which I just read, nod head occasionally whilst maintaining…

Gender Stereotyping for the Uninitiated: i.e. Babies

Oops.  Ordered a sandwich with goat’s cheese in it today only to remember that goat’s cheese is not allowed in pregnancy. Admitting to previous incidents of this nature has resulted in open-mouthed abject horror from other pregnant friends and/or mothers. I am already a terrible mother. To make up for it, I decided to buy…

Oh God. It’s started already. I’ve just been caught boasting on Facebook

Phew. All appears to be well with Little ‘Un, at least according to the 20 week scan. Of course, now that I’m home I’m fretting again due to backache and lack of movement and am thinking maybe the scan machine killed it with hitherto undiscovered toxic rays. Not it.  He. Yes, it’s a boy apparently….

Eagerly anticipating the birth of the Messiah

20 week scan tomorrow. Obviously this is terrifying, and I will not go into the list of horrific ailments that could be detected at this point, all of which I have googled multiple times. Anyway, my bump is continuing to grow at a somewhat alarming rate, and now I even have backache (hopefully this is…

“But what would happen, Miss, if the baby had a small head and huge shoulders, and it got stuck?”

I think I can now confirm (sort of.  Almost.  I mean, I think this is what I’m feeling) that the Wee One is moving around in there.  Like, officially.  In fact, I’m pretty sure s/he just punched me three times in the last few seconds.  It is SO WEIRD! And now the cat is out…