Ten Things I Have Learned About IVF

1.) I am thinking of looking for a role in the circus as the Astonishing Human Pin Cushion.   2.) Everyone is telling me what to eat: Drink milk, eat eggs, don’t eat cheese, eat tofu, don’t eat tofu, sugar is bad for the eggs.  It’s enough to drive anyone to a life of cupcakes…

Why can’t it just all be easy, like in the Bible?

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH I am sat on my bed with a copy of The Baby-Making Bible next to me.  It all seems a lot more complicated than it is in the real Bible, where men just have to “know” their wives, and “go into” them.  Although I suppose that Abraham and Sarah had difficulty conceiving, and had…

Introducing the world’s first Gu Chocolate Pot Baby

Well, the insemination process is complete. And if I get pregnant, I will be writing to the Daily Mail and proclaiming it a “miracle baby.” I’m sure the Daily Mail has lots to say about people importing sperm from abroad off the internet and using it to self-impregnate.  Hell, they could even illustrate their disgust…

Existential Crisis

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.  Having a proper crisis over the whole situation. That yellow nitrogen tank is eyeballing me from the hallway and I am absolutely terrified. What if it works? What if the baby hates me?What if it buggers off to Denmark to look for its father?What if its father is awful?What…

Sperm Shipment Arrived: Not at all Worthy of Comment. Just a regular day for everyone.

This just arrived at my door. It was not at all embarrassing.  NOT AT ALL. For a start, the two concierges downstairs didn’t notice anything remotely amiss.  They were not engaging in any kind of conversation with the courier from UPS about “ooh look at this, ooh it needs to be kept cold apparently!” which…

All is not lost?

There is currently a tank of liquid nitrogen containing two straws of frozen sperm on its way from Denmark with my name on it. As you pause to take that in I will add that this was purchased on the internet. For €700. At least that’s euros, not pounds. In other news, I went back…

“You will never get married. You are CURSED!”

I distinctly remember that being the statement made to Charlotte in Sex and the City after she went downtown to a dubious fortune teller with limited English who then promised that for a hundred dollars she could remove the curse. I had something similar happen to me today. In the course of my Wembley Curry…

Hope Springs Eternal

I know I know, I’ve been away for ages. And unfortunately, I do not return triumphant, ready to launch my blog of obsessive pregnancy anxiety, or write a press release for my new parenting book. Alas, the treatment failed.  And not only that, but after I had some (brief) respite by getting a boyfriend (wonders…

Treatment Over. Complete with Simulated Walk of Shame for Authenticity

So the IUI is over, and I am going crazy all over these internets. The current fear is that the IUI was done too soon, given that it took place less than 24 hours after I had taken the so-called “trigger” shot (I confess I had absolutely no idea how this would work, and lay…

Fatal Stabbing?

Aargh another needle-related disaster! Just as I was starting to think I was getting good at it as well.  Just stick the thing in and it doesn’t even hurt. I FORGOT TO PINCH MY BELLY BEFORE INJECTING!!!! Not just today, but possibly yesterday as well (can’t remember). And now my ovaries hurt. Surely this means…