Bridget Jones’ Baby

I have yet to see the new film, but I like to imagine that Bridget Jones’ baby is rollin’ something like this. At least they will be if they are anything like my, um, toddler.

10th September 2016

Weight: About a stone, apparently (Mummy says scales not entirely accurate as keep saying she is half a stone heavier than she was yesterday?)

Calories: 800 (v.good. Mostly chips and chocolate cake.  V.v.g.)

Breadsticks: 0 (v. bad)

Milky-pops: Substantial, as is Saturday (v.g.) so Mummy not at work (v.v.g.)

Well, it’s the end of a long day and I am keeping Mummy awake.  Not sure what time is but maybe 9.30pm? It is weekend though, so acceptable.  Busy day.  This morning went swimming.  Wore my new blue swim nappy with dolphins on.  Looked very fetching, but slightly too big so had soggy big pants situation when exiting water, and the lady had to come into the changing rooms and mop it all up.  I was v. impressive dragging the cot in the changing rooms around at the time like a big strong boy.  I think she thought I was cute, although Mummy was cramping my style big time by telling me stop it and don’t go near that window blind as the whole street will see me in the nuddy getting changed out of my cozzie.  Honestly, that woman is SO difficult sometimes.  She’s always telling me no Piglet, don’t do that.  No Piglet, not milky-pops time now, wait until bedtime, and I’m like, Piglet is not even my real name.  You must treat me like sensible human being and not airhead with mind of goldfish just because I can’t speak yet.

Anyway, went home in pushchair and it was SO EMBARRASSING because other babies’ mummies and daddies all have cars and I had to look at them in their car seats swooshing on by while we walked down the street getting rained on like plebs.  However, light at the end of the tunnel as got bus home and I was like, braps to all you other babies, look who has the biggest wheels now boob-suckers.

At some point I must have fallen asleep on bus, because when I woke up I was at home, still in pushchair and all my clothes, wondering how I got there.  That’s what too much milky-pops does to a boy.  Granny keeps saying I need to cut down and it’s about time I grew up, settled down to sleep on my own and ate proper food like all her friends’ grandchildren do.  Apparently I am an embarrassment and a disgrace because little Sophie and Emily go to bed at 7pm, never bother their parents during the night and eat all their peas without throwing them on the floor, and I will never be a good boy and will still be coming home milk-drunk at thirty-five, pestering my poor mother for milky-pops.

Played for a bit and ate whole packet of Pom Bears (v.g.) although I think Mummy stole some, as she is flagrant Pom Bear stealer.  Refused sandwich as on sugar and salt diet (v.g.) recommended by friend at nursery who says that if you refuse all food, eventually parents will cave and offer chips out of desperation.  Is working brilliantly.  So far I have seen Mummy and Granny beg, plead and almost cry with tears of frustration, so diet must be having desired effect.

This afternoon went shopping which is obviously v. boring activity, but was able to salvage some joy from the situation by grabbing passing coats and flinging on floor, and almost hitting Mummy with a flying cup in Patisserie Valerie, though was thwarted by Granny in attempts to throw china plates and bits of cutlery.  Diet v. successful.  Managed to eat plate of chips, steal half of Mummy’s chocolate cake and some garlic bread for a bit of vitamins, then refused entire plate of fruit (v.g.).  Mummy bought me stripy top in age 3 (proud moment.  Despite being only two, I am becoming big boy in big boy clothes) and was squealing in excitement about how I would look like her now.  Horrified as she is perpetually covered in chocolate and bogies, which was not the look I was going for.  Clearly if it was, I wouldn’t bother wiping my nose and mouth on her all the time.

Anyway, off to sleep now as I have been drinking milky-pops and doing my leg-bicycling exercises solidly since 8pm, and starting to feel the effects now.  Hiccup.  Sleepytime bigboy milkypops night night.  Hiccup. Love Mummy but wisssshshe would buymore breadsticks.  Hiccup.  Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Pink Pear Bear

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

33 Comments Add yours

  1. I could never watch the Bridget Jones films as they make me cringe. I’m Bridget will have all sorts of mishaps as usual. If they do make a sequel to the current film, then I can imagine the toddler will be a handful for comedic affect.

    1. Min says:

      I’m not sure I’d want there to be another one-you can definitely have too much of a good thing! I like the films, but the books are better. They are so funny.

  2. Sarah says:

    Haha, this is ace. I’m glad they didn’t make a film out of the actual 3rd book, I was so P-d off with HF about that!!!

    1. Min says:

      Ah, I liked the fact they killed off Darcy. There’s no happy endings, and all that!

  3. I really want to see it. And will be disappointed if it’s not in the first person ?

    1. Min says:

      I’m not sure if I do-I can’t help but think I’ll be disappointed as I am such a fan of the books. Renee was fab in the first two films though, so hopefully she’ll rescue it!

  4. Ha ha – think you are probably spot on with this! Love how piglet uses the expression ‘ and I’m like’ – all the like, like, like – brilliant!

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! I am guilty of using that expression all the time myself.

  5. Ellen says:

    Aha I love this Min! This is exactly how I imagine the baby to be. So funny.

  6. Hahaha so funny! Awesome post! #bigpinklink

  7. I LOVE this – I haven’t seen the film, but I have no doubt that this is better. Way better. #chucklemums

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! The books are better than the films anyway!

  8. Oooh I’m back back back for #chucklemums.
    Hope he’s had his sugar for today!

    1. Min says:

      Oh don’t worry-not a day goes by without sugar!

  9. Beta Mummy says:

    Ah Min this made me smile all the way through! I’m looking forward to seeing the Bridget Jones film, as I loved the first two, although I did enjoy the books more. #chucklemums

    1. Min says:

      Me too. I LOVED the books. The films are fun too, but the books are definitely the best!

  10. Oh this is just brilliant, I’m looking forward to the new Bridget Jones movie although I have a feeling I’ll be watching it alone. Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink x

    1. Min says:

      Thank you for hosting and commenting!

  11. I’ve not seen any of the Bridget Jones films yet (I do want to read the book though!) but I do love this post, very funny! #KCACOLS

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! Oh you should definitely read the books. They are brilliant. Very 90s. Bridget was definitely a woman of her time, but there are some bits that are just laugh out loud hilarious.

  12. Emma says:

    Ahhh I loved this! I think you do a whole series. Ps I have serious weakness for Patisserie Valerie and whenever I go back to UK I have to hunt one out #KCACOLS

  13. I think I might be one of the only people that has never seen any of the films or read the books?! Enjoyed reading your post, though #KCACOLS

    1. Min says:

      Ah, you’re missing out! The books especially are brilliant. Thanks for commenting.

  14. Alex Fihema says:

    Absolutely brilliant, itvreally felt like I was reading a day in the life of Bridget’s baby.
    It had me laughing, especially when it comes to the food #KCACOLS

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! Glad you liked it.

  15. Bahahahaha! Boob suckers! This has made me laugh after a. Dry long day. Thank you

    1. Min says:

      Thanks for commenting!

  16. Kerry says:

    Ha ha, I really enjoyed reading this! I’m in two minds about seeing the film, I loved the first too but feel I may be disappointed in the the third. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again on Sunday 2nd Oct x

    1. Min says:

      Thanks! I’ve heard it’s very good, although not seen it myself yet. x

  17. Sunflower75 says:

    This is completely hilarious!! Had me crying with laughter on rush-hour tube! You have perfectly captured what the amalgamated voice of Bridget Jones and my 21-month-old son would sound like

    1. Min says:

      Thanks! Glad you liked it 🙂

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