We dropped in to see you earlier, but it appears that you weren’t in. Probably out working, I imagine. Shouldn’t you be at home like a proper mother? Oh no of course, we forgot, you are a single mother. We wouldn’t want the likes of you eating up the welfare budget with your fecklessness and irresponsibility. Some of us had the good grace to do the right thing, you know. We don’t see why the state should be sponsoring your ignorance of contraception and inability to hold down a relationship.
Oh no, sorry. You didn’t need contraception, did you? We understand that you’re a single mother by choice. Well, who knows what goes on these days. We can’t keep up with these modern phrases, but we understand that this means you couldn’t get a man, so you bought a baby. Is that right? You probably deserve our pity, but then you’re getting our taxes in child benefit, so we imagine that’s probably sufficient compensation.
Anyway, the reason we dropped in to see you today is because we have had reports that you are still breastfeeding a toddler. Almost two years old, is that right? The neighbours are up in arms. He’ll be off to university before long, and still crying for his mother’s breast. That really wouldn’t do. Oh, that’s if you can afford to send him to university. You are a single mother, after all, and university fees are going up all the time. But anyway, two years old? I trust that this is not happening in public. One wouldn’t wish to embarrass the delicate sensibilities of the more elderly members of the parish. Then again, we would be disappointed to hear of it continuing in private either. What happens behind closed doors is none of our business, of course, unless it relates to child welfare, in which case that’s everyone’s concern. We wouldn’t want another embarrassment like Savile, and all good upstanding citizens know that breastfeeding a child beyond the age of one is tantamount to abuse. Clearly you’re just doing it for your own gratification. It’s not as if there is any nutritional value that cannot be provided for by a good honest substitute like semi-skimmed.
And while we’re at it, we have also heard reports-as yet unsubstantiated-that you are co-sleeping. Have you not read the NHS guidelines on this? Children should not be left to sleep in an adult’s bed. Who knows what could happen? We won’t touch on the subject of abuse again, but what we will say is that there are all sorts of known dangers, including heavy quilts, pillows and even headboards, which are known to cause significant danger to a sleeping child. We do hope that the child in question is not left unsupervised. Come to think of it, we hope that he is not constantly supervised either. That is known to lead straight to attachment problems and so-called “mummy issues” later in life. By the age of two a child should be encouraged to be independent, not relying on the parental bed for comfort.
We have also heard reports from concerned residents that the child in question has been known to continue to make noises well into the night, and that these noises include nonsensical babbling, occasional crying and even hitting sounds when he is permitted to start hitting things such as the headboard of the bed, and his mother’s head. It is our opinion that the child should learn some discipline, and should be going to bed earlier. We have had reports of the child still being audibly awake at such shocking times as 9.30pm, 10pm and even 11pm, and conversations have been overheard which involve you-his mother-whispering “go to sleep,” “time for beddy-byes”and “no hitting Mummy on the head” being stated repeatedly. We would like to remind you that a decent hour of bedtime is a requirement of all nicely behaved children, and you are doing your son a great disservice if you fail to have him tucked up in bed, bathed, storied and fast asleep by 8pm at the very latest. We fail to see how being a single parent can be a hindrance here, as you have no man to keep happy, and therefore should be able to dedicate your full attention to this matter.
While we are on this subject, I would again like to draw your attention to the small matter of infant nutrition. It has come to our attention that your child was seen yesterday in a public place eating cake, which was being fed to him from the hand of his own mother. We would like to point out that certain members of the public were outraged by this, and saw fit to contact us regarding this matter, pointing out that all decent parents should at the very least be carrying several different varieties of healthy snacks to cover all possible emergencies and food groups. We are led to believe that your son has a few difficulties eating his dinner, and frequently throws it onto the floor, which we see as a severe indictment of your parenting skills, or dare we say it, lack thereof. We also believe that ladies should keep a clean house, and allowing a toddler to throw food is a detriment to this end, as well as disrespectful to those in this world who sadly go without, and at the very least, extreme bad manners. We demand that this is rectified immediately.
The Parenting Police
p.s. We will be back in a few weeks to ensure that the problems outlined above have been corrected. We wouldn’t wish to have to press charges.
33 Comments Add yours
Haha. Brilliant! This made me feel better. I expect my letter saying the exact same things (minus the single mum bit) to arrive tomorrow! X
I think we’re all just one meltdown away from that letter, aren’t we! Thanks for commenting. x
I laughed at this. Such a creative post. Congratulations on being published on the Huff again. 🙂 #TribalLove
Hahaha brilliant. I needed to read this as I let my daughter have her second lolly of the day and it’s not even 10am. Yep, send the parenting police round.
Haha! The prisons are all full. Full up with mothers who gave their children sugar for breakfast.
Ugh!! Some people – I suffer with Aniexty and always worried other people are thinking these things about me. My boys are high spirtied, energetic, noisy children – which means I do have to shout at times! And also quite oftern we wake up with my 6 year old and 2 year old in the bed with me and my husbnad!! thats life! You sound like a fantastic mummy- go you!!
Thanks! I’m relieved to hear that it seems pretty normal to have the little ones in bed with you. Anyone would think it was unheard of the way some people are so horrified by it!
Love it! If you go down you had better take me with you. Although I didn’t breastfeed so I may get my own visit. Nicely said. Thank you for linking up with #KCACOLS. Hope you are not carted off and can come back and join us on Sunday. Nicky
Thanks! Yes I think we’re all going down for one thing or another!
Some people definitely care too much about what other people are doing lol, great letter. #kcacols
Brilliant – I think this could be sent to every household in the country as we’re all guilty of at least one of these crimes!! Xx #KCACOLS
Haha, definitely! Just a little satire on the ridiculousness of judging others!
Brilliant!!I breastfed 3 to the age of 2 co-slept and was a single Mum to my first – get the cuffs out! X #kcacols
Indeed! We’re guilty as charged!
Haha I shall be expecting my visit soon then! Especially when they find out me and my daughter polished off a chocolate gateaux between us in one sitting, straight from the container while sitting in bed, my bed where she ended up falling asleep! #kcacols
Haha, that’s hilarious-and what a great dinner! Thanks for commenting.
Lmao this is brilliant. It’s such a pity that people feel the need to tell others how they should be parenting, when in fact it has nothing to do with them.xx #KCACOLS
It is, isn’t it! Thanks for commenting.
Haha this is brilliant! Ah the parenting police will be knocking on my door for letting E watch CBeebies and just every food related bad habit we have going….such a funny read xx #triballove
Thanks! Yep, I think they are after all of us!
Awesome post! I co-slept with Adam when he was younger and I loved it, we both slept better. I think as parents we all make the individual choices of what suits our child and us best. Others can’t judge that when they are not in our position. Honestly with real child abuse going on out there every day I don’t understand why how long we breast feed, or if we co-sleep is an issue for anyone! Some people are so bloody judgemental it makes me mad! Sorry for ranting. But I say keep up the good work, you are doing what you know is right for the 2 of you, so YAY! #mg
Very good point-real child abuse happens, and yet people still worry over ridiculous things like co-sleeping! Thanks for commenting.
haaaaa! This is ace! Can so relate to this! God the parenting police would hate to be anywhere near my kids then! Some nights we have four in a bed, eat beige food all week and watch a hell of a lot of Paw Patrol when i’m too sleepy to move coz they’ve had me up all night! argh! #Chucklemums
Haha, sounds like a standard weekend! Hope you’ve got a big bed!
I love this. Obviously I am a perfect parent but I do love a bit o’ humour 😉
I came here for #chucklemums and #kcacols so I read it twice 😀
We’re all perfect. The whole thing is just a facade and I’m secretly Gina Ford and Piglet is the original Contented Little Baby. Don’t tell anyone!
Cake?? You might go down for 50 years… Better be careful, we may end up sharing the same cell 🙂
Haha, I think all of us will be in there!
I have a big stack of letters from the parenting police – 28 years worth!
Excellent post. Made me laugh it did and worthy of first place #chucklemums award I don’t mind coming second place for something this funny. Nicely written, Ma’am. 🙂
Thank you very much! Oh no I didn’t realise #Chucklemums was ranked in order of funniness. I’m feeling the pressure now!
Love it! oh the parenting police will surely have me and every one of my friends on their most wanted list!:) brilliant and funny post x