Recently it has come to my attention that there are blogging awards doing the rounds. I know, I know. Pipe down at the back there. What do you mean I RIPPED THIS POST OFF EVERY OTHER BLOGGER EVER?
I have my own opinions, you know.
And here they are.
These ladies (and they are all ladies. Sorry gents, none of you made the cut) are brilliant, and frankly, I can’t understand why they haven’t already won all the blogging awards. So in the spirit of blogging awards, here are my own nominations, for when I become part of the Academy: the blogging version. Because that is clearly in my destiny, right?
1.) Friendliest Blogger/Biggest Champion of Other Bloggers: Mum Muddling Through
Probably the first reader of my blog not to be a member of my immediate family, I had been blogging for years before Single Mum Speaks went public (before that it was a private blog for two and a half years), and although I had had a self-hosted blog for some years before that, one where I mostly just bleated on about my tragic but eventful love life in the years when I actually had one, MMT was probably the first person other than my close friends to read and enjoy my current ramblings, and for that I will be forever grateful. Weirdly, I also consider her a friend, even though we have never met and I have very little idea what she actually looks like, but then I have also never met the biological father of my own child. BRAP to the Internets. What would we do without them?
2.) Best Poetry since Please Mrs Butler: Rhyming with Wine
If you are an aficionado of humorous poetry, which I am not, then you will know of Janet and Allan Ahlberg. I used to read Please Mrs Butler in the 1980s and laugh out loud at the likes of The Headmaster’s Hymn, set to the tune of When A Knight Won His Spurs (WHERE has that hymn gone? I haven’t heard it since 1988) and the legendary Dog in the Playground (why does this never happen nowadays? I blame those ID cards on lanyards that everyone wears nowadays. You didn’t get those bad boys in the 80s). Anyway, enough about Janet and Allan, they may have produced the greatest collection of laugh out loud poetry anywhere in the Usborne back catalogue, but Rhyming with Wine has the grown up version down to a fine art. Trust me, Lord Byron had nothing on this woman. Apparently *whispers* he wasn’t even hot. RWW is a legend amongst wordsmiths, and deserves all the accolades going.
3.) Best Successor to the Brothers Grimm: Agent Spitback
Now if anyone should be rewriting fairytales for the 21st century (which, let’s face it, is a task long overdue), it’s Agent Spitback. Many bloggers picked up their metaphorical pens in disgust when a rumour did the social media rounds about a mother two weeks into the job who made the grave error of shouting the odds into cyberspace about how motherhood isn’t that difficult and we should all have clean houses, but only the legendary Spitback could have woven the tale into that of a latter day Evil Stepmother poisoning the postnatal with apples of doom.
4.) The Duchess of Blogging: A Right Royal Mother
Now, I basically hate the Duchess of Cambridge. I hate her early 90s newscaster blow-dry, I hate her press-endorsed two hour labour, and I hate that ridiculous 60s air stewardess hat she wore on the Royal Barge that time in 2012. What I do not hate, however, is the way that A Right Royal Mother shows up the farce that is obsequiousness and a doffing the cap mentality on the part of the nation’s tabloids to a frankly very normal family, a family just like that of A Right Royal Mother, in fact, but without the palaces, media scrum and history of chopping off the heads of those who deign to disagree.
5.) The Not a Dry Eye in the House Award: Five Little Doves
I have observed with interest what seems to me to be the inexorable rise of Five Little Doves. Every time I manage to stay awake long enough to join up with a linky, there she is, with a brand new post every time, and every time it is something heartfelt and beautifully written. She has written about some difficult and personal topics with bravery and insight, and basically just seems like a really fab mum!
6.) The Fearless Female Award: The Single Swan
Another blogger who writes from the heart, The Single Swan has found herself as a single mother in very different circumstances to my own, and writes about them candidly and articulately. Like the others on this list, her intelligence cuts through every post, and I admire her for trusting her instincts and going after what makes her happy.
And now, like Gwyneth Paltrow at the 1999 Oscars, I am so full of love and admiration for my fellow bloggers that I have had to put on a pink meringue ballgown and cry copious tears of emotion.
Which is exactly what I will be doing (and you have my word here peeps, this is my literal PROMISE to you) if I was to win a blogging award myself.
I KNOW, I KNOW. I’m like, totally out of my comfort zone here. Throw me a rubber ring, won’t you? I’m out in the proverbial blogging ocean of voices pleading “VOTE FOR ME, VOTE FOR ME,” and I’m flailing. You see, I haven’t had to do this before. I haven’t had to put myself out there and ask people to vote for me, at least not since the 1997 general election when we all got up on the stage at school and sang 1996 football classic Three Lions with reworked lyrics about the EU in a bid to convince our fellow students to vote for me, or rather for me representing hideous, long-forgotten proto-UKIP hooray henrys the Referendum Party.*
Anyway, I digress. basically what I am saying is that if you are not put off by my dodgy history as a pretend Tory Euro-sceptic from the 90s, please vote for me in one or all of the following categories:
I know this is the award everyone wants, but I like to think I’m OK at writing. I know the difference between your and you’re, if anyone’s noticing.
I feel a bit of a fraud for this one. I guess we’d be termed an “alternative family,” and not in the sense of having green hair and living on a barge wearing tie-dye and growing your own quinoa. I write about my son, and my mum. Hopefully they won’t hold it against me.
3.) Reader’s choice
Apparently this is for blogs who “defy categorisation.” I mean, I wrote a love story about the Pontipines.
So yeah, vote for me peeps. I will cry like Gwyneth. And I won’t get up on stage and sing a reworked version of Three Lions with lyrics changed to reflect the subject matter of my blog, I will promise you that.
*Please don’t take this as a reflection of my actual political beliefs, either now or in 1997. I saw an excuse to dress up in a ludicrous costume, and I took it. That was just the way I rolled. Let’s all be thankful that I didn’t win, and Europe has not yet disintegrated into bloody civil war.