HA HA HA HA HA.
You didn’t think I actually HAD a routine, did you?
This weekend, my mother went away.
“Are you sure you’re going to be all right?” she has now taken to asking me, even when she is only popping out to the cinema for a well deserved few hours to herself.
“Yes I will be all right,” I have to keep reminding her. “I did look after him for a whole year without any help, remember.”
Well, I think I may have forgotten how to do it.
Piglet is sort of asleep. It is 11.40pm and I have only just managed to get him *officially* into bed. He didn’t have much of a nap today, and then got extremely cranky while I was cooking dinner and insisted on breastfeeding. I obliged, and he fell asleep.
What then ensued was three attempts to get him to eat his dinner during the first three times he awoke from his slumbers, and several hours of him breastfeeding and dozing intermittently all the way through Strictly, at one point prompting my (child-free) brother to point out that all Mum has to do is go away for one night and the routine-such as it is-goes out of the window, and aren’t I going to get this child to bed at some point when he has been semi-conscious for the past two hours?
Finally, I took advantage of a break in the dozing to quickly take off his woolly jumper and pop a pyjama top on, then whizz him up to bed, all the while praying that there would not be a sudden reawakening.
I then spent a further hour and a half breastfeeding, with frequent intervals of Piglet sitting up and shouting at me for reasons unknown but which I presume had something to do with telling me I was useless at the whole mothering thing and should probably just give up now and sign the adoption papers, then gave up and took Piglet downstairs, worried that he might be hungry given that he had refused/slept through his dinner, and proffered an oatcake and a few grapes to make up for it. He ran around, broke the oatcake up into little pieces and threw it on the floor. It was 10.30pm, and I was officially a Terrible Mother.
Gina Ford would probably have me strung up.