Things I Will Not Be Putting on Facebook


Things I will not do when the baby is born (assuming it makes it that far.  FINGERS CROSSED.  There are a lot of horror stories on which haunt my every waking moment.  And according to some statistics I read yesterday, which were from the fertility clinic not the Interwebs and therefore probably more trustworthy, 20% of singleton IVF babies end up in neonatal intensive care.  Does that sound a bit high to you?)

Anyway, back to the point, IF the baby is born AND successfully survives, these are the things I will not do:

1.) Make the baby-or worse, an ultrasound image of the baby as a foetus inside my womb-as my profile picture on Facebook.  I am not the baby.  We are separate entities.  Or at least, we will be eventually (I hope).  Also, no one wants to see inside my uterus.  Except me, for whom it would be a useful skill.

2.) Bleat on and on about Baby on Facebook in the style of the following:
“Today was (insert baby name here)’s first day at swimming club.  S/he loved it the most out of all her/his activities this week.”
Things wrong with this: Firstly, no one cares about this except you the parent; secondly this is clearly an ill-disguised boast about the fact that you genuinely believe your offspring to be a future Olympic swimming champion, and even more blatantly, about how many “activities” you do with your child PER WEEK, all of which will inevitably lead to them being a child genius and member of MENSA by the age of four.
“Had a wonderful afternoon with Baby, who taught her/his grandmother what s/he learned this week in Mandarin class.”* (see above for why this is wrong).

I fully anticipate that most afternoons with Baby will not be spent looking at little him or her adoringly while s/he reels off a list of Mandarin verbs, bakes a cake worthy of Mary Berry or names all the stars in the Milky Way.  You can’t even see the Milky Way from my flat anyway.

Therefore I will not, I repeat will not, talk about Baby unless what I have to say is funny.  Anything else is just smug and unacceptable.

And that is all I have to say for today.

*Any similarity to real life status updates of any of my friends is purely coincidental.

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