Ten Things I Have Learned About IVF

1.) I am thinking of looking for a role in the circus as the Astonishing Human Pin Cushion.  

2.) Everyone is telling me what to eat: Drink milk, eat eggs, don’t eat cheese, eat tofu, don’t eat tofu, sugar is bad for the eggs.  It’s enough to drive anyone to a life of cupcakes and wine.
3.) The sole reason that most people who have IVF are married is so that there is someone to remind you that you are actually mental when you are hopping around the bedroom terrified that you have overdosed on Menopur and are going to drop dead right there and shouldn’t you be phoning an ambulance right now, or at least NHS Direct?
4.) The best thing about work is having other people there to tell you that you are actually mental when you brandish a syringe at them, yelling, “Do you think I took the right dose?  I took THIS MUCH!”
5.) The most important question facing the world right now is this: If Menopur is made of “the urine of menopausal women,” then who is donating their wee to science for this to happen?  Are people in lab coats secretly raiding the cisterns of the over 50s?
6.) I am seriously thinking about starting a business selling my mother’s urine to make IVF drugs.  I could be the Walter White of fertility medicine.  
7.) The best thing about downregulation is the lack of bloating.  If this is the shape of what’s to come in my menopausal years, then I will be still wearing crop tops in my sixties.  This is BRILLIANT.
8.) After getting off lightly with no depression or mood swings throughout downregulation, things have  taken a sudden turn for the worst during the stims phase.  Today I almost cried at the News.  While they were talking about a teachers’ strike.  During which I got A DAY OFF WORK.
9.) I have started believing in acupuncture to promote fertility.  And visualisation.  And foods that look like soggy grass.  And the power of wearing orange.  
10.) Drinking coffee and eating Nutella have started to seem like the sort of terrible vices that can only be cured by attending a 60 day detox programme at a rehab centre in Arizona and wearing a sensor that immediately administers an electric shock when going within one hundred yards of Costa Coffee.
You Baby Me Mummy

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