Ten Weird Things About Having a Newborn

Ah, the newborn stage.

Fluffy booties, scratch mittens and squidgy babies sleeping with their arms above their heads.  Congratulation cards, helium balloons and fussing relatives.

Blind panic, sleepless nights and soreness in areas you never knew you had.

We all know about these things, the hallmarks of a new baby.  We all know it’s not all actual Hallmark.  But there are some things no one tells us about.  Some things that are just, well, weird…

1.) Someone has just handed you one of your internal organs and helpfully informed you that it is now your sole responsibility to keep this organ alive and breathing.  Yes, you.  You who have just recovered from major surgery/had twenty nine stitches in a delicate part of your anatomy.  Good luck with that!

2.) The Organ will spend most of its time staring at you.  You will stare back, and repeat “I’m your Mummy” at them, and hope that this piece of information sinks in, to both of you.  Weren’t you supposed to have some sort of maternal intuition that would make this feel like the most natural thing in the world?   You suspect that The Organ already knows you are his Mummy, and is planning on asking for a refund.

3.) Being unused to addressing your liver by name, and feeling as though it might be a bit presumptuous on the part of your lungs to be spoken to as though you were having a reciprocal conversation, you will be forced to adopt a series of pet names for The Organ, such as Chick Pea or Fluffybum, just to save face.

4.) Conversations will be had with young Fluffybum, that start with the words, “Mummy is very pleased with all that poo you did this morning!”  Weird on so many levels.  The effluvia of another as a source of pride, the reference to oneself in the third person, as though testing out one’s strange new title, and, again, the expectation of reciprocal conversation with something that is surely an internal organ which has just been unceremoniously pulled out of your body.

5.) There is a decaying bit of flesh in Fluffybum’s midsection.  It appears to be the decomposing remains of the thing that joined the two of you.  At some point it will fall off, but until then it remains a decaying bit of flesh, like something from the trenches of World War One, but on a baby.  Don’t forget to wash around it.

6.) Fluffybum needs to be bathed, only DON’T MAKE THE WATER TOO HOT OR TOO COLD OR IT MIGHT DIE.  Also, Fluffybum has no control over any of his muscles, much like you at the moment.  A terrifying proposition, at the best of times.

7.) There will be terrifying leaflets at the hospital warning you never to shake the baby, but you will never be able to make them sleep without an hour of solid rocking.  You will worry if it’s the same thing.

8.) They will wake up every time you want to eat something.  You will find yourself, aged thirty-four, being spoon fed by your own mother as you attempt to breastfeed a tiny creature.

9.) You might not love them straight away.  You might still think they are an organ for quite a while, but gradually, you will get there.  It wasn’t like this on any television programme ever, and not just because you didn’t give birth unexpectedly in a toilet, the way it always seems to happen in soaps.

10.) Your child, along with every other, will sleep with their arms above their head for approximately four months.  It is a beautiful thing.  One day, you will wake up, and remember you haven’t seen them do it for a while, and you will realise that the moment has passed, gone forever, and they are now sleeping like a regular human, but more intermittently and only at inconvenient times.  It is at that point that you will realise, you no longer have a newborn.  Enjoy it while it lasts, in all its wonderful weirdness.

Petite Pudding
Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

45 Comments Add yours

  1. It does go by so fast doesn’t it? I had 3 in 3 years and I was just in a complete fog and wish I remembered more of it. Now they are all these little monsters with voices and attitudes and REFUSE to take naps anymore. Yep it was like “poof”! #puddinglove

    1. Min says:

      Wow-three in three years! You must be superhuman! I think I would just forget what life was like before. It’s hard enough to remember sometimes now.

  2. imatwinmama says:

    Aww, this made me smile! My newborn twins were NOTHING like I imagined. So helpless! I used to just stare at them, thinking “What the f***??! I made these? How am I supposed to look after them?!”

    Other things I found surprising:

    How much noise they make when they sleep (grunting, squeaking, snoring);

    Just how loud their tiny little lungs can be when they cry for food at 3am;

    How weirdly fast they breathe (whilst frantically asking Hubs: is this normal?!);

    How also weirdly fast their hearts beat (more frantic questioning);

    How. Slowly. They. Drink. Their. Milk.

    Thanks for sharing! 🙂

    1. Min says:

      Yes, the sleepy noises are bizarre, aren’t they! And the noise they make when they do a poo (which is another one that mysteriously disappears after a while!) They are fascinating creatures.

  3. Lucy - MLYB says:

    Ha ha, I love the nickname Fluffybum, I might use that for my next one!

    I am so happy we are out of the newborn stage, I was terrified of breaking him the whole time! Defo had the same thought about shaking/rocking!!

    Lucy x

    1. Min says:

      Yes, it is a relief once they get a bit more robust, isn’t it? Thanks for commenting.

  4. oh the newborn stage – so totally different to all the others – unique in it’s very own way – beautiful though – and nothing smells quite like a newborn. You make me laugh about how we suddenly speak to a newborn and just how ridiculous the words are that come out of our mouths are! #triballove

    1. Min says:

      They are, aren’t they. I was completely in awe of the woman next to me in the hospital when I had Piglet, who seemed to be able to keep up a constant stream of soothing chatter to hers, while I just stared at mine blankly with no clue how to speak to this thing!

  5. Ah some of these really made me laugh (the reference to the bellybutton thing for instance) but no 10 made me want to blub – I had forgotten that lovely sight of the ‘I surrender’ sleeping position and realise I haven’t seen it for a while now so probably won’t again (bum in the air stage for both my twins now). Really good read. x #PuddingLove

  6. I love this – such a funny post! Now that I think of it, a newborn is rather like an organ hehe. Love the bit about bathing the baby is so funny- my other half always tells me I have the bath too hot (grooooooan) xx #triballove

    1. Min says:

      Thanks! Bathing the baby was terrifying in those early months. It’s still a bit fraught now, to be honest, but for different reasons. He won’t sit down, everything has to be kept out of reach lest he trashes the bathroom…

  7. Baby Anon says:

    What a lovely – and truthful post. My parents had done all the prep, gone through the pregnancy, and then they took me home and thought ‘now what?!!’ Turns out though, everyone is right; it does come naturally, as if we are all born for the job x #puddinglove

    1. Min says:

      That’s the thing, isn’t it. You are so knowledgeable about pregnancy and birth….and then clueless about the aftermath!

  8. Awe so true! It’s scary being a first time mum, second time round is a bit better. Our little one’s grow up far too quickly! Thanks for linking up to #puddinglove

    1. Min says:

      Thanks for hosting! Yes, I’m sure second time is much easier-at least you know what to expect.

  9. laura dove says:

    Fab post, and so true!! It’s crazy how fast it all goes, more so when you are insane like us and have three in two years!! Now, after five children, I feel like I have just about got the hang of it, infact I’m sure if I had a sixth I wouldnt think of them as an organ at all!! #puddinglove

    1. Min says:

      Ah, you are an expert! Having three in two years must just be a whirlwind. Hats off to you!

  10. I couldn’t get over the fact (still can’t really) that this little person had been inside me and was now in my arms. I love the way newborns sleep too! They always swaddled her in hospital, but at home she’d be like a starfish! 😀 #KCACOLS

    1. Min says:

      Their sleeping positions are so adorable, aren’t they! I couldn’t quite get the hang of the whole swaddling thing.

  11. This was hilarious and so true. I love how you call the baby The Organ. That’s better than us calling the baby an Alien for part of my pregnancy hahaha.

    1. Min says:

      That is basically what it is, though. Alien, Organ. It’s just a very bizarre process!

  12. Emma says:

    Oh I love this! So much to love. That belly button falling off freaked me out when it happened first time. I wasn’t prepared for it and then there it was in the nappy *shudders*. I also didn’t realise how noisy they are, even when they are sleeping. They make this cute snuffly noise! 🙂 Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

    1. Min says:

      Yes-I remember gazing at Piglet’s and wondering when it would fall off as I was so worried about it getting infected. Thanks for hosting and commenting.

  13. Yummyblogger says:

    Ah I have all this weirdness to look forward to again… One week to go til due date! #KCACOLS

  14. Brilliant you have captured the wiredness to a T – we called our little on Pudding because it kinda felt less odd than her name… And I love that she still sleeps arms up, she looks like a pea on fork ha ha. But eurgh that decaying flesh part – there really is no need to ever mention that, it creeps me out! Thanks for linking with #PuddingLove

    1. Min says:

      Haha, Pudding is a great name. I had much the same with Piglet. I gave him that name because it just didn’t seem right to address such a tiny thing as though they were an adult.

  15. I had so much fun reading this post. Kinda recall all the memory of this newborn stage (Glad that we made it out well). Couldn’t believe how fast the time went by.
    Thanks for sharing! ?

    1. Min says:

      Thanks for commenting! Glad you liked the post.

  16. Ah yes! I love this post, read it on Huff. : ) I really like how you accurately describe a newborn as The Organ. As well as the terrifying aspects of bathing The Organ, the umbilical cord and the leaflets about not shaking your Organ. That is exactly how I felt when my son was born. ; ) Thanks so much for sharing with #StayClassy!

    1. Min says:

      Thanks for hosting and commenting! x

  17. Fluffybum is such a lovely name for a newborn. I love it! Oh – yeah… I’ve notice before – they do sleep with their hands above their head don’t they. Well spotted! & weird! lol! 😉

    Thank you so much for linking up with #FabFridayPost again Min. x

    1. Min says:

      Haha! Fluffybum was just one of many monikers he had in those first few months. There was a repertoire of songs to go with all the names as well. Thanks for hosting and commenting. x

  18. bread says:

    Brilliant post, very funny. i might call my baby fluffybum now. Or the cats. Probably both. #kcacols

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! Yes, Fluffybum was one of my favourite nicknames for the baby (there were others!)

  19. I loved this and how true it is! I should definitely record some of the conversations I attempt to have whenever we have a 2nd baby. It would make for an interesting video. I think we all probably sound pretty crazy at that point. I had also forgotten about the sleeping with their hands above their head and the whole umbilical cord thing. I was always afraid I would forget to wash it. Thanks for sharing! #StayClassy #TribalLove

    1. Min says:

      The sleeping with their hands above their head is adorable, isn’t it! Thanks for commenting and glad you liked it.

  20. Suzanne says:

    Have to admit I don’t miss the newborn stage and totally agree with number 9. I thought the love would would hit me all at once but it was a gradual things. #chucklemums

    1. Min says:

      I think that was the most surprising thing to be honest, perhaps because it doesn’t seem to be spoken about. Thanks for commenting.

  21. They are a bit weird, aren’t they? Like you make them, and then they just come out and are like ‘hey – make sure I don’t die please!’. Terrifying! Still, we seem to have done OK thus far… Thanks for being awesome and joining #chucklemums!

    1. Min says:

      They are utterly terrifying. And the weirdest thing was he was like, looking at me CONSTANTLY, as if to say “I know you’re my mummy. I know you’re the one who’s got to keep me alive, and I’m sussing you out and judging you RIGHT NOW.”

  22. The bath and making sure the water is not too hot… What a story! Numbers 7 & 8 are magic rules in our house too and yes, I am amazed every time Baba burps or farts. Whereas Grumpy Boyfriend would get told off he if he dares doing it. The life of a baby, right? #chucklemums

    1. Min says:

      Indeed-and the enormously loud newborn poos are incredible!

  23. This was lovely to read! I was smiling all the way :).

    I’m trying to enjoy these moments with my 2 month old but between trying to get some sleep, attempting to have a warm meal (or any meal for that matter) in peace and figuring out what crying sound means what, it’s easy to see how those precious moments can go by so quickly.

    Thank you for sharing!

    Lydia x | lydiaonlife.com

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! I’m glad you liked it, and enjoy the time with your newborn. It won’t feel like it now, but it goes so quickly!

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