When you are 20 months old and a tiny tyrant, there comes a point in every day, sometime after the closing bars of the CBeebies Goodnight song, when the time has quite literally come to say goodnight, to say sleep tight until the morning light.
That time rarely comes until at least an hour and a half after those closing bars.
So now, for your amusement and delight, Piglet is here to explain what happens in those ninety-plus minutes.
1.) Mummy and Granny are singing again. I like their singing, but I don’t know why they are singing that the time has come to say goodnight, because bedtime another two hours yet. Oh no, TV has gone all blank. Has Mummy switched it off again? Back on please. There might be Ball on. I like Ball. Lots of men run around green place and kick Ball into big net, and sometimes Ball on in the evenings, so I can shout “Ball!” to show everyone I know what it is, and point at Ball. Or maybe Top of the Pops 2? This is also favourite. Mummy makes obligatory comment about how have they managed to find any episodes in the archives not presented by someone from Operation Yewtree, and I dance to some bad two-tone from 1982.
2.) NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. They are singing again. That song about nappies and poo. Mummy is picking up the changing mat. Time to run away. OH NO! She’s caught me and is taking my clothes off. Time for a lie-down protest before she can get nappy off. Argh she’s carrying me to the changing mat. No, I will not lie still. Quickly roll over and am off again. Spend ten minutes outwitting Mummy (HA!) but am eventually wrestled back onto mat.
3.) Now they are coming at me with pyjamas. I’M CALLING CHILDLINE!
3.) Oh, Mummy says go and get book. I fetch book. It’s about a polar bear with magic pants, which is strange as I’m a big boy so I know animals don’t wear pants. I have been to the zoo, so I know about this. Also today we looked at cat in neighbour’s garden for AGES and I played with dog in the park. None of these animals were wearing pants, but maybe this polar bear is different, I don’t know.
3.) Book finished. I get more books. This one about Gordon the big grumpy engine is BRILLIANT. Mummy read it four times. I ask read more times please, and Mummy says no. Something about teeth?
4.) Let’s get Percy the green engine book. No wait-apparently I need to CLEAN MY TEETH?
5.) RESULT. Mummy has let me stand on the toilet seat. I am quite literally the King of My Castle, and I am going to celebrate by banging these cars on the sink repeatedly and trying to grab everything on the window sill.
6. ) Apparently that’s not allowed? Mummy is trying to clean Piglet toothy-pegs. Time to clamp mouth shut and practise nose-breathing skills.
7.) Thank you very much, I will have that toothbrush. MINE ALL MINE, and to prove it, throw toothbrush on floor and into potty, then grab it back again and refuse to let go. Love toothbrush. I think I might take this toothbrush to bed with me actually.
8.) Apparently that’s not allowed? Mummy has wrestled toothbrush away and put it back in the bathroom, which is like, UNFAIR. She says take toy instead. Giant fire engine please!
9.) NOT ALLOWED? She said pick toy so I picked toy. This mummy thing is, like, SO UNREASONABLE. Take police car and ambulance instead.
10.) Ah, time for milky-pops! Deliriously happy.
11.) Oh hang on, it’s still light out there? This is surely a trick! They are making me go to bed in the daytime? It’s not bedtime, it’s not bedtime! Time to run around the bed. Mummy is lying down, pretending to sleep. Who does she think she is kidding? Maybe I will stand on her head. Oh, hang on what’s this?
12.) Looks like Mummy has hidden bag of clothes next to bed. This must be a new game. I LOVE bags of clothes! Take all the clothes out, one by one, and hand to Mummy. She must be so pleased as I am helpful boy!
13.) Mummy is grabbing me and trying to lie me down. Unhand me, Parent! Where is that Esther Rantzen when you need her?
14.) Aha! Mummy says something about I give up, let’s go downstairs. Now I get to watch Countryfile and play with Ball!
15.) Cows on television, and tractors! Shout at TV for a bit, then decide more fun to throw ball around, and Mummy plays. Love Mummy! Oh, hang on, looks like Mummy and Granny don’t want to play Ball. Granny not happy when I threw car at her head, and now we have to go back to bed.
16.) Maybe will run around bed again…..Oh hang on, milky-pops!
17.) Milky-pops is loads more fun when you pretend to be drinking milk, then come off the boob and poke it instead.
18.) Mummy has covered up the milky-pops! Such a spoilsport.
19.) Launch self at Mummy’s head.
20.) Milky-pops again…….starting to feel a bit sleepy now…….night, night. Is it 9pm yet? No? 10? Hang on, WHERE’S THOMAS THE TRAIN? Mummy lying down. Oh, Mummy asleep.