No, baby has still not arrived, and I am officially “overdue.”

Cue prophetic warblings from my mother about how I am going to take after her and be ten days late, and mass hysteria on Netmums as I trawl through other people’s appallingly written posts about how they have tried everything and baby still hasn’t arrived, and is this normal?

I, for the record, have not tried everything.  I have not, for example, tried castor oil, which sounds both pointless and disgusting.  I have also not tried either “sex” or “nipple stimulation,” even though these are slightly more amenable to me, purely because of lack of help in that department.  I mean, what am I supposed to do; put out a message on Facebook asking if anyone will take pity on me and sleep with me to get my labour going?  Anyway, surely if any of the multitude of other things that supposedly start labour-curry, pineapples-were in any way effective surely they would be used in hospital inductions.  One friend of mine has even quit eating pineapples for the duration of her pregnancy just in case it leads to premature labour.  I have defiantly continued to eat pineapples, in blatant disregard for the opinions of the good people of the Internet, with zero effect.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I am sat here wondering what to do with my life until the baby is born.  I feel as though I should be sat on a beach somewhere with a cocktail, enjoying my last days of freedom before I am forever tied down to a life of drudgery, but there aren’t an awful lot of beaches around here, unless one counts the Severn Estuary where one is likely to disappear into the quicksand, and I’m pretty sure going on holiday when about to give birth is considered a bit of a no-no for insurance purposes.  Also the only cocktail I am likely to be drinking is a Virgin Mary, which kind of negates the point as surely one should be spending the Last Days of Freedom enjoying a life of wall to wall debauchery and hedonism, rather than self-sacrificing teetotalism.  Perhaps I should just spend all day sleeping, as this is something that will doubtless be in short supply over the next few months (years?  Oh God perish the thought.  What have I let myself in for?)

At least I will be able to drink again soon (assuming it IS soon).