It sounds like something out of the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party circa 1993, but it’s official, I have the best dressed baby in Wembley. Winner of the Elle Style Awards, Special Commendation from Anna Wintour, Vogue Baby of the Year. Move over Blue Ivy, Prince George and North West. Yes, the play worker at Baby Club (n.b. this is not a nightclub. That would bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “nappy night”) complimented Piglet on his outfit today with the words, “another lovely outfit this week!” Yes ANOTHER. See, Piglet is known throughout North West London for his baby chic. Let us gloss over that incident with the poo in the dungarees. That was, like, MONTHS AGO.
As for myself, I have not been faring quite so well in the sartorial stakes. For the second time in a row, we got up too late for me to have time to apply any make up before we left the house, so not only was I slap free-something that has become alarmingly commonplace in recent weeks-but the waistband of my maternity jeans (yes I am still wearing them) sits sufficiently low on the hips for me to have to continually hoist them up to avoid displaying my giant M&S mummy pants to the world. Not that this was the biggest fashion faux pas at baby club today, as just as we were leaving there was a woman bending down to put her shoes on who was showing her entire bottom. Imagine the furore if THAT happened in Claridges.
Speaking of which, I have been trying to express milk again, to no avail. My euphoria upon discovery of the fact that hand expressing is a) possible and b) not the excruciatingly painful debacle I had expected it to be was tempered by the fact that the couple of drips I managed to squeeze out did not, as I had hoped, make much of an impact on the bottle. One of my antenatal class said her sister had “only” been able to get out 70mls, which compared with my measly few drips, which didn’t even register on the millilitre scale, must have been like Niagara Falls. It now looks increasingly unlikely that I will ever be able to leave Piglet with anybody for longer than half an hour as I have read in baby books that if babies don’t learn to take a bottle early on, they never will, and Piglet has never even seen a bottle. He’s going to be the breastfeeding equivalent of those old men in pubs who complain about the yoof of today drinking lager out of bottles instead of real ale from a hearty tankard hung above the bar with their name on it.
In other news, Piglet has discovered that if he flaps his arms about a bit whilst sitting in the washing up bowl (still currently too scared to put him in the giant baby bath, so he is having his baths in the washing up bowl. The washing up, you will be relieved to hear, goes in the dishwasher) an interesting effect, commonly known as a splash, is created. Mummy is now soaked to the skin.