As you may have guessed from my last post, I am starting to feel old.
No matter how long I spend in front of the mirror pulling them out, the grey hairs continue to multiply. No matter how long I spend pouting into the phone when taking a selfie (usually a matter of nanoseconds. I find the whole concept of selfies excruciating, especially when you take one at the train station *below* to see whether you really do look hideous in the parka you have been wearing non-stop since the baby was born, and then someone rocks up at the station, just like that, and catches you in said act of extreme vanity, as though you were Kim Kardashian in the middle of a contouring session).
And being old, being the age when all the received wisdom says your fertility “falls off a cliff,” as though all my remaining eggs (hello to the three of you!) had entered into some kind of communal suicide pact upon realising that they would almost certainly never be needed, is depressing.
I wish I could say I am “embracing it.” I wish I could say that I have never felt better*. I wish I could say that I had achieved everything I want to.
But I don’t, and I haven’t.
FOR EXAMPLE, although this is hardly the end of the world, and there are clearly bigger things to worry about than this (hello, war in Syria), I am a teeny bit disappointed that I have not so far managed to get married. Just a teeny bit. *I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE JUST ADMITTED THIS. CALL YOURSELF A FEMINIST? WHO NEEDS MEN ANYWAY?* It’s probably for the best that I wasn’t married at twenty-four, as at that time I anticipated the venue being an imaginary pink castle; but I do still frequently window shop wedding dresses, and think about how if I ever do get married, I will by that time be so old that I will have to eschew anything vaguely frivolous in favour of a sensible white suit, like Carrie in Sex and the City (what do you mean the whole point of weddings is love? It’s the dress, right? Right? SAY YES TO THE DRESS!)
I will also be so old that I won’t be able to have another baby. Again, not the end of the world. I am, after all, lucky to have Piglet and he is fantastic, but I should probably let go of the idea of having another. Where would I meet someone in time? If I have not met anyone in twenty years of looking, the chances of my doing so now, in my Mum Uniform of parka and leggings, with a grand total of two evenings out in the past year and a half, are diminishing rapidly.
And don’t suggest online. Just don’t. Yes I have considered it. Yes I have many years of experience with it. No I did not meet anyone. If Match.com are still doing that six months free if you don’t meet anyone offer I must have built up about five free YEARS by now. And anyway, how would I ever go on any dates? Who would look after Piglet? And my mother wouldn’t approve. I can see her Face of Disapproval now.
When I said that someone in a tiger onesie chatted me up the other night and I was FLATTERED, I was not joking, although of course I would never have done anything about it, as the thought of anyone seeing me in my Mum State (i.e, as my mother so eloquently put it, “not as thin as you used to be”) is too hideous to contemplate.
So here it is, all my love is dedicated to Piglet, and he alone. Hopefully he will not be too messed up by having a clingy neurotic mother who helicopter parents him at every turn and won’t let him leave home until he’s forty.
*Bit of a tall order at Christmas. I’ve just eaten most of a pack of Santa-themed chocolate biscuits.
15 Comments Add yours
I love this post and I love your humour and honesty. Carrie Bradshaw is my hero (Although I personally am a “Miranda” and I can live with that haha). Your little one is so cute. Wishing you both a fantastic Christmas and brilliant 2016. Dawn x
Thank you. Got to love a bit of Sex and the City. I’m a bit of a mixture of all four really I think.
… Ooh yes sorry. #marvmondays :0)
I love reading your blog as your so honest! Great post. Thanks for linking up to #justanotherlinky xx
Thank you! X
Well done for being so honest. This is a great post.
Thank you! Thanks for commenting, and have a great Xmas.
You look fierce as hell in that parka, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise #MarvMondays
Thank you. That’s made my day! Xx
Love the parka photo! And this post tickled me – why oh why has no one seen what a catch you are?! If I wasn’t married I would come and date you 😉 you tickle me every post! And if you don’t fancy online there is always tinder?? (jokes) (though think of the blog mileage…..) #MarvMondays
Urgh Tinder! I don’t think I could stand it, although I am too curious (FOMO anyway) not to get at least a little bit involved with the latest cultural zeitgeist. As for being a catch, I find myself asking the same question every day, haha!
i have written many a post like this so it feels quite comforting to know i am not the only one in this position!
babysitting is really the main issue and reason we stay single so long, as now his dad is back in his life i finally have days to dedicate to going on dates with idiot i meet online lol.
but randomly a work meeting turned into going on some dates with a guy recently and things are looking good so never assume it wont happen- when your boy is at school and becomes a teen hardly ever home you will have plenty of time to get your man!
That’s true. I live with my mum at the moment so I guess she could babysit, but she already looks after Piglet three times a week so it would be a bit much to ask. But you are right, it probably won’t happen soon, but may do in the future.
Such a cute pic and great post. I completely and totally empathise with you. I have a few friends in a similar boat and I have to say, the struggle is real! I love your selfie, I love your honesty and im really hoping that 2016 is a better year on the mingle front ;-). Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Emily
Thank you! To be honest, this past year and a half I have just been enjoying Piglet, but soon I fear that I will be more interested in mingling-and that is terrifying! Thanks for commenting.