1.) Because my mother is always three steps away from swooping in and rescuing the baby from my neglectful folly in trying to feed them a strawberry yo-yo for lunch.
2.) Because the words “shhh, we’re in John Lewis. People come here for a bit of civilisation and class,” mean nothing to a 14 month old.
3.) Because in particularly bijou establishments, the door has to be open for there to be any air at all, and closing it to prevent escape by a marauding toddler leads only to suffocation of the other patrons.
4.) Because Greek salad is apparently not an acceptable toddler dinner.
5.) Because the pushchair is blocking the exits and now we’re all trapped.
6.) Because a Cafe Nero cardboard cup holder is a very attractive snack to a baby.
7.) Because I was so busy supervising a child that I accidentally bought a chicken salad despite being vegetarian.
8.) Because five months is too young for a babychino. Even if it is free.
9.) Because high chairs stacked on top of each other are a serious health hazard for a single parent balancing a baby in one hand and a coffee in the other.
10.) Because newborns are not supposed to leave the house, apparently.
11.) Because spending ten minutes fiddling under a breastfeeding cover in Cafe Nero trying to get a newborn to latch is not conducive to the release of oxytocin and a comfortable and relaxing breastfeeding experience for either mother or baby.
12.) Because “we can’t crawl around in here Piglet. It’s not allowed. It’s a NO CRAWLING ZONE.”
13.) Because that guide dog is taking a well-deserved break and probably doesn’t want to be poked repeatedly by a small child.
14.) Nor does that adult.
15.) Because, having kindly provided toys for their younger guests, the cafe probably doesn’t want them being lobbed across the room at unsuspecting fellow patrons.
16.) Especially not when it’s Enid Blyton’s Book of Bible Stories. Enid would be having none of that, and neither, I suspect, would God.
17.) Because letting a toddler play with a metal spoon is a great idea. Until they start using it to destroy the furniture in the loudest way imaginable.
18.) Because there is only a finite amount of excitement that can be generated by a Pret A Manger straw.
19.) Because hot drinks and small children don’t mix.
20.) Because the torrential downpour outside is far more interesting, according to Piglet, and I WILL run out into it.
And one reason why we should…..
21.) Piglet once dislodged a cushion in Starbucks, allowing Mummy to miraculously discover an abandoned sum of £40 stuffed down the side of a sofa.
We should always go to cafes. That will happen again, right?