What if I don’t love the baby?


Cannot believe it is now getting on for 2pm and, following an inadvisably large breakfast, I have done literally nothing.

Well, nothing except perusal of the internets, searching for such useful advice as “What if I don’t love my baby?”

Well, what if I don’t?  What if his constant wailing and not sleeping really pisses me off?  What if life as a single mother is miserable?  It probably will be a lot of the time.  I feel like I probably shouldn’t be worrying too much about the future, as surely it’s better to be mindful and live in the moment, but I can’t escape the feeling that I am jumping off a ledge into the unknown, an unknown where there may well be storm clouds gathering and where I am no longer “glowing” with the joys of pregnancy and where people no longer compliment me for merely being able to walk around with relative ease (“You’re doing really well-you’re not having trouble walking or anything!” as if pregnancy was a debilitating condition-which I suppose, for some unfortunate women-it is).

Anyway, I suppose all I can do is take one step at a time, which at the moment means that everything seems unduly focused on the birth, which is all well and good, but surely the most important part is what happens after that, when I am lumbered with a tiny mewling creature who I have to try not to accidentally kill, and who is going to be around for THE REST OF MY LIFE.  Aargh!

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