OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. Having a proper crisis over the whole situation.
That yellow nitrogen tank is eyeballing me from the hallway and I am absolutely terrified.
What if it works?
What if the baby hates me?
What if it buggers off to Denmark to look for its father?
What if its father is awful?
What if he’s a mass murderer or other class of reprobate?
What if he’s-as the youngsters would put it-“butters”?
What if he doesn’t know the difference between “your” and you’re” and scatters apostrophes around inappropriately (or whatever equivalent Danish grammatical sin)?
What if I can’t afford a baby?
What if I have to move back in with my mother?
What if I end up having to get a payday loan from Wonga and shop at BrightHouse?
What if I have to relinquish all hope of marriage and/or child with person who actually loves me?
What if I’m a terrible mother?
What if the child grows up to be a complete bounder?
What if I never fit back into my American Apparel disco pants?
What if I am hunted down and killed by Daily Mail readers?
OK, so some of those questions more worthy of consideration than others but AAAAAARRRGGGH!