The Egg Wars-a little tale of one-upmanship and parenting judgement


Come on, admit it, we all love them.

Our children wear clothes emblazoned with them, and carry around little plastic ones that they use to hit each other with.  They stand in front of the television and demand to watch endless repeats of Andy’s Dinosaur Adventures on CBeebies.  They collect them in cereal packets, dance to big purple ones called Barney on American TV and gawp at the real thing on show in the Natural History Museum.  Even as adults, we revel in the words triceratops and velociraptor, even when we aren’t entirely sure what they are or even if they are were a real thing.

We all know, of course, the story of how they died out; how 65 million years ago a meteor hit the Earth off the coast of what is now Mexico; but what if things had been different?  What if the Chicxulub impact had never happened, and instead of the demise of the dinosaurs and the rise of mammals as the dominant species, the dinosaurs had continued to flourish?  The end result, I think, could have been something like this…..

Costa Coffee, somewhere in the UK.  Four dinosaurs are at the table,drinking their Mummy-lattes and gossiping about life as a new mum.

Velociraptor: “Do you like my new shoes?  I got them in the Next sale.”

Triceratops: “Ooh, they’re lovely.  I must get a pair like that.  Actually, well, is it a good idea to be wearing heels like those when you’re carrying your baby in a sling?  I mean, you might fall over or something.  Don’t get me wrong, I mean, like, your heels are fab-u-lous dahling, but you can’t be too careful once you’ve got a little one, can you?

Diplodocus: I’m surprised you’ve got time to go to shopping actually.  What I wouldn’t give for an hour or two to myself.  You must have LOADS of free time if you managed to get to the Next sale.  Our days are taken up entirely with swimming lessons.  What with our family holiday to the USA next month, you just can’t be too careful with the Western Interior Seaway covering most of the country.  I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to Little Dipper.  And then on Wednesdays we’ve got dino-sensory.  How can I expect her to find her own leaves to eat someday if she isn’t exposed to the feel of a branch on her face from infancy?  Mr Diplo and I have been fanning her with trees these last few weeks to get her used to the feel of a windy branch, but it’s just not enough for her to learn these skills at home.

Tyrannosaurus Regina (sic): That’s why I’ve enrolled Mini-T in nursery twice a week.  It’ll help with his social skills.

Diplodocus: Social skills?  I’m not sure that your lot are known for your…..

Tyrannosaurus: What are you about to say? (bares teeth)

Diplodocus: I didn’t mean anything by that (swishes enormous tail, knocking over a family of smaller dinosaurs at a nearby table in the process).  Anyway, I’ve got an appointment at the beauticians later.

Velociraptor: Having your scales polished?

Diplodocus: Yes.  I just don’t know how some mums do it, doing the school run in their pyjamas.  I couldn’t personally.  You’ve got to have a bit of pride.  Even when things are falling apart at home, I make sure I’ve got my scales polished, my tail is neat and tidy and I’ve got my lippy on.

Tyrannosaurus: I know what you mean.  Mr T-Rex and I have standards.  It’s like in the house, we pride ourselves on being the kings and queens of dinosaurs.  Got to live up to the name, you know.  The kids might be running riot and going around taking bites out of smaller dinosaurs, but the house is always tidy.  I make sure there’s not a carcass to be seen by the time Mr T gets home.

Triceratops: You might have a tidy house, but I hear that you were out hunting with Mr T all through your pregnancy.

Diplodocus: Really?  I sat on my eggs for nine months straight.  I couldn’t have lived with myself if Little Dipper had been caught by any predators.

Tyrannosaurus: Well, we ARE at the top of the food chain.  We don’t need to worry about these things.

Diplodocus: We might be herbivores, but we know how to look after our young.  There’s just no substitute for a mother’s love for a little one still in the shell.  I can’t believe anyone wouldn’t sit on their own eggs.  It’s simply barbaric.

Triceratops: I heard that you paid a couple of micro-raptors to sit on your eggs for you and keep them warm.  Is that true?

Tyrannosaurus: Look, we tyrannosaurs have places to go, prey to hunt, other dinosaurs to terrorise.  We can’t sit there all day twiddling our tiny arms sitting on a bunch of eggs….

Velociraptor: Well, in Mrs T’s defence, it’s not just sitting on the eggs that’s important though, is it?

Diplodocus: What do you mean?

Velociraptor: You know what I mean.  Did you break your own eggs open?  Or did you have, you know, help?

Diplodocus: Those eggs were HARD!  It would have taken DAYS to get them open.  You can hardly blame me for using a hammer….

Velociraptor: A HAMMER!  What kind of mother breaks her own eggs open with a HAMMER?

Diplodocus: We’ve got small arms!

Triceratops: Personally, for me the most important thing isn’t how long you sit on your eggs for, or whether you break them open yourself or let it happen naturally.  What makes a great mother, for me, is someone who feeds their baby themselves.

Tyrannosaurus: What, you mean, from your own mouth?

Triceratops: You know what I mean.  I fed Little Topper right from birth with regurgitated plants.  Did you bring food home for your little ones, or did they have to fend for themselves?

Velociraptor: I brought food home of course.  I might have brought home some of Little Topper’s siblings, thinking about it.

Tyrannosaurus: FEEDING THEM REGURGITATED PLANTS?  What kind of Earth do you live on?  One populated by mammals?  No tyrannosaur would feed that rubbish to their young, let alone regurgitate it directly into their innocent mouths.  They need to learn that they are the kings and queens of the dinosaurs, right from an early age, and prey is there for the taking.

Diplodocus: I wouldn’t say we were there for the taking.  We’re massive.

Tyrannosaur: I DIDN’T MEAN YOU!  I wouldn’t be sat in Costa having a Mummy-latte with you if I didn’t like you.

Triceratops: Why are we all having a go at each other then?  Aren’t we all trying to do the best we can, raising our young and hoping that they won’t all get wiped out by an asteroid impact?

Velociraptor: I suppose we are.  Like Mrs T said, I would have been eating you by now if I wasn’t a friend.  I don’t even like lattes.

Diplodocus: Well there we are then.  Let’s all forget our differences, and stop with this parenting judgement.  We all do things our own way, and that’s fine.  We are all different species after all.

Tyrannosaurus: And how do we know that one day, a huge asteroid might hit the Earth, and wipe us all out, and all that will remain is our fossils.  And a few scale models, in a museum.

Velociraptor: I wouldn’t mind being a model…..remember what I was telling you about those heels?

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46 Comments Add yours

  1. Emma says:

    This is brilliant! I think we have a few of those dinosaurs on Jersey too 😉 I always hide if I see them coming (especially if I am doing the school run in my tracksuit bottoms) they have been known to have a nasty bite 🙂 #bloggerclubuk

    1. Min says:

      Haha! Oh dear-the school run sounds like a nightmare. I need to work on my looking fab on the school run game ready for difficult days ahead! Thanks for your lovely comment.

  2. Ellen says:

    I cannot tell you how much I love this! Your writing is wonderful. And a great message – let’s all just let everybody else get on with parenting however they like and support each other! #BloggerClubUK

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! Sometimes I just think about how ridiculous all the judgement and one-upmanship is. Totally agree!

  3. Oh my word, the bit about swimming and the Western Interior seaway had me choking on my tea. Thanks for this pick me up after a gloomy rainy school run.

    1. Min says:

      Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for commenting.

  4. Min this is just brilliant. I absolutely loved how you super cleverly managed to fit in those stereotypes but in a unique non-threatening and fabulously humours way. We all recognise these dinosaurs. Great message too. TY for linking up with #FamilyFun ?

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! Glad you liked it. Thanks for hosting and commenting.

  5. Helen Gandy says:

    If only everything was simple and we all could agree to disagree hehe. Thanks for sharing a very unique post with the #bestandworst 🙂

    1. Min says:

      Thanks for hosting and commenting!

  6. This really was such a great post! I love your writing 🙂 I can imagine this lot sat around laying into one another. This post really made me smile! #BestandWorst

    1. Min says:

      Thank you, I’m glad you liked it. Thanks for commenting!

  7. Pen says:

    Hehe, great post. Where were the dinosaurs? Were you in Crystal Palace?


    1. Min says:

      The picture is an old one I took of the “dinosaurs” in Crystal Palace a few years ago, but I actually got the idea for this post from a jokey conversation with a couple of old uni friends about childbirth. The general consensus was that it was rubbish and we should lay eggs instead, and then we realised how ridiculous that would be. I don’t know how I then managed to turn that conversation into something about dinosaurs. I blame watching too many episodes of Andy’s Dinosaur Adventures on CBeebies.

  8. I was going to say that it looks like CP too. What a lovely post and so funny. I actually read this during my lunch earlier today and couldn’t stop laughing at my desk #FamilyFun

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! I’m really glad you liked it. I might start a dinosaur series, with their take on all aspects of parenthood. Or then again, maybe not!

  9. Seriously. The best post I have read all week! Sharing the hell out of this. Very clever. God knows which dinosaur my mummy is!! #FabFridayPost 🙂

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! Really glad you liked it. The dinosaurs are just crude stereotypes so I’m not sure too many people would fit them to be honest!

  10. This was really great to read, I think I know a few people these dinosaurs could of been modelled on! #kcacols

    1. Min says:

      Haha, not modelled on anyone real, I promise! Thank you for commenting and I’m really glad you enjoyed it.

  11. Haha, this cracked me up! I was so obsessed with dinosaurs as a kid – though after watching Jurassic Park for the first time I used to get my dad to check under the bed for baby raptors… 😀

    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday x

    1. Min says:

      Thank you for commenting. I’m glad you enjoyed it! And thank you for hosting.

  12. This is brilliant – we love dinosaurs in this house! I also love a good anti Mummy competition post. Yawn, Ive always avoided women like this like the plague. Just get on with it and stop worrying about who’s doing what and if they are doing it better than you! #fabfridaypost

    1. Min says:

      Quite right! Thanks for commenting.

  13. Tee Hee Hee! This is so clever and imaginative. We love dinosaurs in our house and I could easily recognise the stereotypes! I loved this but about breaking her own egg with a hammer! #KCACOLS

    1. Min says:

      Thanks! Glad you liked it. I was trying to think about what the dinosaur egg version of caesarean-shaming would be!

  14. Hilarious! But good point, why are we all so obsessed with dino’s?? #KCACOLS

    1. Min says:

      It’s weird isn’t it? Maybe it’s because they’re so bizarre, and also because no one’s seen a real one, we can project whatever we want to imagine they were onto them. Hence they are purple and called Barney, or pets for the Flintstones, or doing the dinosaur rumble!

  15. What a great take on something so frustrating! I think social media has made Mom judgement and competition even worse! #KCACOLS

    1. Min says:

      I agree! I think it always existed, but I’m sure the internet has exacerbated it.

  16. Talya says:

    Genius inspiration! The weirdest ones are always the best…after all! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub chick x

    1. Min says:

      Thanks Talya! And thank you for hosting and commenting.

  17. Ha ha this is brilliant, I must admit I can spot them a mile off in costa and to date have managed to avoid them…!! Good message about letting everyone making their own patenting decisions and supporting them in those decisions. Thank you for joining us at #BloggerClubUK hope to see you again next week x

    1. Min says:

      Thanks for hosting and commenting!

  18. This is funny and I think most school gates have a pack like this lot:) Its a really good post and made me smile while reading it, I love that feeling! thanks:)
    mainy – myrealfairy

    1. Min says:

      Thanks. Haha, no real people were involved in the making of this post, I promise, but yes, I’m sure there are plenty like this who do exist.

  19. Brilliant funny post. I couldn’t help but envision these mommy dinosaurs all sat around having their mummy-lattes lol. Xx #KCACOLS

    1. Min says:

      Thank you! Glad you liked it and thank you for commenting.

  20. I thought that was a very civilised conversation for dinosaurs. I’ve seen the comments section on Netmums get a lot more vicious 😉 Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    1. Min says:

      Haha, that’s true! I’m not sure how much justice I did them, but then who knows what they were actually like? Maybe there was more to them than just trying to eat each other all the time.

  21. This is the best thing I’ve read in AGES! Brilliant!! #chucklemums

  22. Beta Mummy says:

    Very funny, if totally surreal! Made me chuckle, thank you! #chucklemums

    1. Min says:

      Thanks. Glad you liked it!

  23. This is hilarious and made me laugh but all I could think of throughout was, “wow, good spelling of the hard dino types!” Thank you for linking to #chucklemums 🙂

    1. Min says:

      Haha, I won’t lie-I did check some of the spellings beforehand!

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